I have so much to talk about. So much to say. I guess I will start with this:
I am sitting here today talking to you on a very sore bottom. I'm not sure what happened, but something in J clicked. He read my post yesterday while I was at work. Not sure what he was thinking about the rest of the time, but I got one heck of a spanking last night when I got home. I was begging him to stop. I was starting to get mad at him because he wouldn't. I was seriously wondering what the heck I was thinking. But I'm jumping ahead of myself.
J picked me up from work and he was still J, but I could tell something was on his mind. On our way home everything was light and good. I told him about my day at work. I started singing a song along with the radio, which I often do. I believe it was "You Should Have Said No" by Taylor Swift. I know this song by heart and sing it with gusto. J asked me why women like songs like these. I looked at him and said I don't know. He said something about women generalizing men, and I looked at him told him he was generalizing women. This little discusion continued until we pulled up to the house. That's how long the song played. As we walked into the house, I proceded to inform him that it was just one song, by one artist, about one guy, therefore the song is not generalized at all in the first place. He told me to go get the damn dogs.
What? I looked up at him and said exactly that. "You heard me." I studied his face for a moment, trying to read his mind. I noticed the little twinkle in his eye and a grin playing on the corner of his lips, but he was serious. He is testing the waters, to see how I will react. I love him for it. He is accepting his role with grace, just like everything else he does. In the LDD book, the second chapter is on submission. It states in there that the HOH should give random orders to help with the woman's obedience. I'm thinking he read that part. I wasn't sure what he was up to, but I tagged the behavior as "bratting?!", something we women do to when we want a spanking. Was he wanting to give me one? Hmmm...
I went and got the dogs. I sat down next to him and we talked some more about TTWD. I asked him if he was trying to bait me into an argument. J looked at me with that little grin of his and said maybe. I looked at him serious, but playfully and told him if he was looking for a reason to spank me I wasn't aware that he needed one and he probably had plenty anyway. Apparantly he wanted to give me one and I wasn't going to turn him down. He said ok, then what is the spanking for? He believes that there needs to be a logical reason and purpose behind the spanking. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, because it gives both of us a goal to strive for.
Hindsight being 20/20, I can think of a lot better reasons then the one I gave him. I guess in some ways I want him to call me on things, but I need to call myself on them and then allow J to help me. I think because I am so overwhelmed with all the things I should be doing and all the things I've done wrong or not done at all, it's hard to pinpoint one thing for him to spank me for. I want the release that comes with the tears, so I just told him stress relief. A practice spanking, sort of. A way for him to get comfortable with spanking me without the added duress of it being for punishment. I think he was a little disappointed in my answer, but he didn't argue the point. I want him to go at his own pace, so he can get comfortable with his own technique. But again, there are a lot better reasons I could have given him than that. Maybe another day, another post.
Needless to say, I ended up over J's knee. He was in one of our kitchen chairs and it was a little difficult at first to get adjusted where I didn't feel like I was falling off of his lap, but we got it figured out. J spanked me for a long time. I tried to get off of his lap, but he placed his hand gently on my back and held me down. I kicked and he locked my legs with his. I wiggled and he held me tighter. He spanked until I begged I couldn't take anymore. He said nope, you wanted this. He continued for a long time. After a while he let me up and held me. He asked me if I wanted more. I told him yes I could take more, I wasn't crying yet. (He asked me that today, I told him no way!) :)~ He took me over his knee again. We did this about three more times. It is actually really hard for me to cry, but he almost got me there. I was crying a few tears when he was done with me.
I have a very, very sore bottom today and it's marked pretty good, but I know he will get better because he does not like seeing those. J told me he was sorry for doing that and I told him that it was ok and I was proud of them. I am. Besides, there have been a lot of kisses, holding and hugs since the spanking and I really enjoy the closeness. I am really proud of J and the effort he put forth last night. I'm a little ginger, but a whole lot loved.
Until next time,
Breaking the cycle?
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