Our Story...Continued

In my previous post of Our Story I finished off the post with a couple of questions I am going to attempt to answer.  The questions were:  "Why is LDD needed or even wanted in our relationship?" and "Why, after so much abuse, would I even be interested in being spanked at all?"


If I was to be honest with you and myself, I would have to say I am still working on understanding this.  I have a feeling of something missing, of something lost.  I have a desire to be forgiven, to be cleansed.  A desire to be loved, truly, completely, and unconditionally.  A desire to be held accountable within a realm of deep-seated love that honestly only wants what's best for me.  A desire to be nurtured and cared for, to be safe and complete.  A desire that there is one person in the world that can wrap his arms around you and make everything ok.  A desire to know that someone really cares for me and cares about what I do and don't do.  Someone that cares enough to say NO, when I want to do something that's harmful to me or those around me.  Someone that says YES, when I don't want to do something that would benefit me or those around me.  Someone that says there is a better way to live.  You can live without contention and hatred.  Home doesn't have to be a place you fear, but your haven from the world.  I want that.  I need that.  But I have that, right?


Yes, for the most part, I finally do.  I have all of that.  Except, perhaps, accountabilitity.  I have a serious attitude problem and it's very evident in my words and actions.  I am stubborn to a fault.  I am a survivor. I had to be, and I'll be damned if at this point in my life, anyone is going to tell me anything!  See where that's going?  I also have problems with consistancy in activities, such as daily things and finishing what I start.  Maybe it's because emotionally I'm only half a person, the other half remains an uncompleted puzzle waiting to be uncovered and beautified, like the projects I start and only half way finish.  I want to be told in no uncertain terms, that temper tantrums and the like are not to be tolerated.  A severe scolding from him definitely puts me in my place, but often times only for a while until the next situation comes up and I decide to throw another one.  Usually the next one is always worse than the last and I have noticed lately that they have been getting worse.  Something has to be done or we are going to end up miserable and I don't want that.  I know I should have better self-control, but I sometimes I can't do it on my own.  I need help.  When I get angry and defensive, all those feelings I keep bottled up come roaring out and proceeds to send me, and whoever is there, on a huge emotional roller coaster ride.  It almost always ends up with hurt feelings and it's just a bad thing all around.  I keep imagining how effective it is when he scolds me and try to add a proper spanking on top of that in my mind.  I think that would cease any repetition of that behavior for at least a year.    


There are other things, too.  I have an "I don't care" attitude about myself and things that could harm me.  I call this "my better off dead syndrome".  Often, I will put myself in a dangerous situation simply because I don't care if I live through it or not.  For example, I will get "pissed off" about something, somewhere and walk out.  It doesn't matter who I am with, or if I am 5 blocks, 5 miles or 50 miles from home.  And I'll walk, too.  All the way home.  I don't care what happens, don't care if I get kidnapped, hurt, cold or anything.  I numb myself to it.  I simply refuse to care.  I don't care who worries.  I justify to myself  "They should know me by now, I'll be just fine, I'm a survivor, besides who needs them anyway, I'm just fine by myself!"  I will also push people away, or I try to cut myself off from the rest of the world, like my life would be a whole lot easier if nobody gave a shit about me, if everyone forgot that I existed.  I'll quit answering the phone, only come out of the house to work, and quit talking to people in general.  Just leave me alone.  I don't want you caring about me!  See, if no one cares about me, then I don't have to care about myself.  It's a copout, but one I cling to like a lifeline.  Another example is, on occasion, I will eat everything in sight.  I don't care if I gain weight, don't care if I make myself have a heart attack, don't care if my stomach blows up and sometimes I even hope it would, because I don't care.  I will eat what I want and as much as I want and I don't care if I have any reprocusions on myself at all.  Other times, I will quit eating, because I don't care if I waste away to nothing.  I hope that I get blown away with the wind.  Sometimes the feelings are so strong, I think stupid stuff and want to do that one really, really stupid thing.  Suicide contemplations are something I struggle with quite often.  It's almost a daily struggle during this time of year.  Of course, most of the time, it's all just in my head, but sometimes that stuff gets to the surface and becomes a dangerous thing.


I really don't like feeling these ways and YES,  for those of you wondering, I do realize that these are serious problems and I have sought outside help for these issues.  I have counseling, a support group and stubborn friends.  Also, through his steadfast, patient and unconditional love, my HOH has also helped me to cope with some of these issues.  I have an anti-depressent that I try to take everyday, although, when I get to feeling better, I quit taking it.  Of course, I almost immediately get worse again, so it will be a rule when we put them together.  I did warn my HOH about my suicide thought tendencies once, because we were discussing getting guns in the house for hunting.  Due to overwhelming progress in this area, we now have a pellet gun, a .22 rifile that's mine, a .12 guage shotgun and a .54 muzzleloader in the house.  We have a gun cabinet with a lock that we keep them in, although, most of the time it's not locked.  No handguns, though.  If we ever have those in the house, I have been told that these will be under lock and key at all times, and he will have the key with him.  I am ok with this, because it keeps me safe.  However, at this point, it is unlikely that we will have handguns in the house anytime soon.


Overall, since being with my HOH, I have become a much happier person.  Love makes all the difference in the world, but I am still "me" with "me" behaviors.  Those behaviors are the ones that cause disruption and unhappiness in our otherwise peaceful world.  Because of this, after much research and contemplation, I showed my man what I had learned about LDD and asked that he hold me accountable for such behaviors through spankings.  My HOH loves me and because of this he allows me to "get away" with a lot of these behaviors.  Basically, he puts up with them because he sees them as part of who I am.  Yes, he scolds me when it gets serious, but he tempers it all with a great deal of love and understanding.  A lot of his fears in spanking me comes from my past abuse and he wants me to know that he loves me and would never hurt me like that.  I do know this and trust him.  I guess this is why I feel so comfortable asking him to do this for me and for us.  I don't want our beautiful relationship to grow stagnant, or, even worse, unhappy because of me.  I want us to grow in our happiness and love.  I understand how LDD can work in a relationship to keep respect, honesty and peace.  I want that so much for us.


I hope that this helps answer the questions I left us with last time.  Perhaps your just as confused as you were before.  As my HOH and I grow in our LDD relationship, I hope answers to these questions and more will become clearer to you and me.


Until next time,
Jadedjewel

Hello, Followers and new friends!

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all your comments and encouragements.  It's a scary thing I think sometimes, entering into the LDD lifestyle.  Scary for us, anyway.  It's nice to know that there are others out there who understand TTWD.

His fears sometimes override our ability to move forward right now, but as Elle said it's a learning curve.  I try not to push, but sometimes I wonder if he is really interested at all.  I say this sitting on a sore bum, because I did talk him into a "just for fun" spanking last night that turned into a exotic spanking, which turned into the most fantastic blowjob I think I have ever given him.  I was so lost in it.  Hmmm. It was yummy.  And, of course followed up by fantastic lovemaking.  Progress?  Not sure.  He wanted to stop long before I was ready, but it worried him how red my butt was getting, and he could see marks.  But, the warm-up was better and I did talk him to our pink leather paddle, but I could still feel his hesitation.  Then guess what my dumbass did?  I decided to put lotion on my bottom to keep it from chafting.... Yeah, OMG that stung like flippin' crazy.  WOW.  Not sure I will be doing that again anytime soon.  We laughed about that for quite a while.  Hmmm, maybe that's why our men put lotion on our bottoms afterwards in the first place?  Anyway, this morning I can feel it, but the marks are almost gone and I love him so much for pushing his own limits and mine.  My fears are more of how much it's going to hurt when he does get the hang of it.  Other than that I guess I'm not afraid of anything except losing him.

I want so much to be all I can be for him.  He is so worthy, even though he doesn't see it.  He was with a woman for 12 years that did nothing but control him and tear him down.  Just the fact he stuck it out for as long as he did says a lot about his determination, committment and inner strength.  Also, when he did finally decide to leave her, he didn't go back.  That says a lot to me, too. 

You should see the man he is today.  OMG, what a difference a good woman can make.  Not just in him, but in any good man.  They really have to start out being good, ladies, or you're wasting your time.  I am not bragging, but I respect him, he has his freedom as I have mine.  Not the freedom to hurt one another or stay out till God knows when with God know who, but the freedom to be ourselves, to do the things we enjoy.  Yes, I love hunting and fishing, especially with him, but that doesn't mean that every time he goes he has to take me along.  He needs that time for himself.  I get that from him, too.  I get to visit my friends pretty much whenever I want, I get to choose what I do for a living and if I want to work or not if I'm called in.  Where I want the garden and what I want in it, what flowers I like, what indoor plants I want...the list goes on forever.  I have all those choices now, why shouldn't he?  Yes, we each have different choices that we make, but we each have the freedom to make them.  Otherwise it would be a totally unfair and unjust relationship and if there is one thing I can't stand it's injustice!  I also submit to him willingly.  If he makes a decision, I may not agree, but it's not my place to throw a fit.  By allowing him to make those decisions and supporting what he decides it builds him. 

We consult each other and communicate our desires without fear of condemnation or retribution. That's why I feel so free to tell him about this and, recently to ask him for a spanking when I need or want one.  I really want to get the new LDD book for him to read because he likes to read books. He doesn't like to sit and read blogs on the computer one bit, but that will have to wait until after Christmas. Ahhh...Patient is a virtue.  Until then, he lets me read to him.  I read him stuff I find and my own blog, too.  I think it helps him to understand what goes on inside my head.

Men have egos and they are very fragile, ladies.  BE CAREFUL or you will be responsible for the man you are unhappy with.  If you "allow" them to make a decision, don't like the one they make, "take back the reins" and make the decision yourself the way you want it, you are not submitting and you are tearing your man down.  

If you get a chance read Proverbs 31.  Those of you ladies out there that are Christians should be familiar with this chapter.  It would be good to memorize it.  It tells you exactly the woman you should be for your God and your man.  It's like God's list of "rules" for us.  I have been with some messed up men and usually any chance of being successful at that kind of woman was severly stifled, usually through some form of mental, emotional or physical abuse.  When they tell you your useless or worthless, and attack you with accusations of things you didn't do or crush you because anything you did do definitely wasn't good enough, it really hurts, and you just quit wanting to be that woman.  Why, what's the point?  Especially when you know it won't matter tonight, anyhow.

Then along came my HOH.  Everything I did he supported, everything I did was perfect, everything I tried was just fine with him, even if I didn't succeed.  I wasn't used to that.  He is so trustworthy, strong, honest, caring, and unselfish.  He holds himself accountable for mistakes he makes, but he holds me accountable, too.  He does scold me on occasion, at times very severly.  Usually, when I've done something stupid that put me in danger and made him worry about me.  That's one of his breaking points I think.  He does not like it when I make him worry and I try not to do that very often.  Another breaking point of his, I'm pretty sure, is when my mouth gets away from me in public, like the time I got in what he calls "a pissing contest" with a nurse at the hospital when he got sick a couple months ago.  Those are the times when I think to myself "I wish he would just woop my ass. Then I know I won't do it again."  I feel horrible when I've dissappointed him and upset him like that.  But when he's done, that's it.  It's done.  He doesn't hold anything over my head.  I imagine he feels comfortable asserting himself because he knows I will submit and partly because that's the true man inside him in the first place.  It just needed some room to come out.  What do you do with a man like that?  LOL, introduce him to LDD!!

I love him with all my heart and want so much to be everything he needs.  He says I am, but I have so many short-comings, so much baggage that keep me from where I want to be.  I think perhaps maybe also, if I could somehow atone for at least some of my sins, that maybe I could sleep peacefully at night instead of staying awake crying over things that hurt so bad.  Maybe I wouldn't have to take anti-depressants anymore.  I could be really truly free inside.  That's worth any sacrifice, isn't it?  I think I don't let go of those things because that would be saying it's all ok now, and it isn't, it never will be.  I never want to let them go or let go of the pain inside me, because I don't deserve that.  I guess it's a self-punishment, but yet it's so unfullfilling.  I have lived like this for years.  Could LDD be the answer?  Am I being selfish?  I don't know.  I guess we'll have to see.

Thank you all again and welcome to my blog!

Until next time,
Jadedjewel