Hello, Followers and new friends!

I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all your comments and encouragements.  It's a scary thing I think sometimes, entering into the LDD lifestyle.  Scary for us, anyway.  It's nice to know that there are others out there who understand TTWD.

His fears sometimes override our ability to move forward right now, but as Elle said it's a learning curve.  I try not to push, but sometimes I wonder if he is really interested at all.  I say this sitting on a sore bum, because I did talk him into a "just for fun" spanking last night that turned into a exotic spanking, which turned into the most fantastic blowjob I think I have ever given him.  I was so lost in it.  Hmmm. It was yummy.  And, of course followed up by fantastic lovemaking.  Progress?  Not sure.  He wanted to stop long before I was ready, but it worried him how red my butt was getting, and he could see marks.  But, the warm-up was better and I did talk him to our pink leather paddle, but I could still feel his hesitation.  Then guess what my dumbass did?  I decided to put lotion on my bottom to keep it from chafting.... Yeah, OMG that stung like flippin' crazy.  WOW.  Not sure I will be doing that again anytime soon.  We laughed about that for quite a while.  Hmmm, maybe that's why our men put lotion on our bottoms afterwards in the first place?  Anyway, this morning I can feel it, but the marks are almost gone and I love him so much for pushing his own limits and mine.  My fears are more of how much it's going to hurt when he does get the hang of it.  Other than that I guess I'm not afraid of anything except losing him.

I want so much to be all I can be for him.  He is so worthy, even though he doesn't see it.  He was with a woman for 12 years that did nothing but control him and tear him down.  Just the fact he stuck it out for as long as he did says a lot about his determination, committment and inner strength.  Also, when he did finally decide to leave her, he didn't go back.  That says a lot to me, too. 

You should see the man he is today.  OMG, what a difference a good woman can make.  Not just in him, but in any good man.  They really have to start out being good, ladies, or you're wasting your time.  I am not bragging, but I respect him, he has his freedom as I have mine.  Not the freedom to hurt one another or stay out till God knows when with God know who, but the freedom to be ourselves, to do the things we enjoy.  Yes, I love hunting and fishing, especially with him, but that doesn't mean that every time he goes he has to take me along.  He needs that time for himself.  I get that from him, too.  I get to visit my friends pretty much whenever I want, I get to choose what I do for a living and if I want to work or not if I'm called in.  Where I want the garden and what I want in it, what flowers I like, what indoor plants I want...the list goes on forever.  I have all those choices now, why shouldn't he?  Yes, we each have different choices that we make, but we each have the freedom to make them.  Otherwise it would be a totally unfair and unjust relationship and if there is one thing I can't stand it's injustice!  I also submit to him willingly.  If he makes a decision, I may not agree, but it's not my place to throw a fit.  By allowing him to make those decisions and supporting what he decides it builds him. 

We consult each other and communicate our desires without fear of condemnation or retribution. That's why I feel so free to tell him about this and, recently to ask him for a spanking when I need or want one.  I really want to get the new LDD book for him to read because he likes to read books. He doesn't like to sit and read blogs on the computer one bit, but that will have to wait until after Christmas. Ahhh...Patient is a virtue.  Until then, he lets me read to him.  I read him stuff I find and my own blog, too.  I think it helps him to understand what goes on inside my head.

Men have egos and they are very fragile, ladies.  BE CAREFUL or you will be responsible for the man you are unhappy with.  If you "allow" them to make a decision, don't like the one they make, "take back the reins" and make the decision yourself the way you want it, you are not submitting and you are tearing your man down.  

If you get a chance read Proverbs 31.  Those of you ladies out there that are Christians should be familiar with this chapter.  It would be good to memorize it.  It tells you exactly the woman you should be for your God and your man.  It's like God's list of "rules" for us.  I have been with some messed up men and usually any chance of being successful at that kind of woman was severly stifled, usually through some form of mental, emotional or physical abuse.  When they tell you your useless or worthless, and attack you with accusations of things you didn't do or crush you because anything you did do definitely wasn't good enough, it really hurts, and you just quit wanting to be that woman.  Why, what's the point?  Especially when you know it won't matter tonight, anyhow.

Then along came my HOH.  Everything I did he supported, everything I did was perfect, everything I tried was just fine with him, even if I didn't succeed.  I wasn't used to that.  He is so trustworthy, strong, honest, caring, and unselfish.  He holds himself accountable for mistakes he makes, but he holds me accountable, too.  He does scold me on occasion, at times very severly.  Usually, when I've done something stupid that put me in danger and made him worry about me.  That's one of his breaking points I think.  He does not like it when I make him worry and I try not to do that very often.  Another breaking point of his, I'm pretty sure, is when my mouth gets away from me in public, like the time I got in what he calls "a pissing contest" with a nurse at the hospital when he got sick a couple months ago.  Those are the times when I think to myself "I wish he would just woop my ass. Then I know I won't do it again."  I feel horrible when I've dissappointed him and upset him like that.  But when he's done, that's it.  It's done.  He doesn't hold anything over my head.  I imagine he feels comfortable asserting himself because he knows I will submit and partly because that's the true man inside him in the first place.  It just needed some room to come out.  What do you do with a man like that?  LOL, introduce him to LDD!!

I love him with all my heart and want so much to be everything he needs.  He says I am, but I have so many short-comings, so much baggage that keep me from where I want to be.  I think perhaps maybe also, if I could somehow atone for at least some of my sins, that maybe I could sleep peacefully at night instead of staying awake crying over things that hurt so bad.  Maybe I wouldn't have to take anti-depressants anymore.  I could be really truly free inside.  That's worth any sacrifice, isn't it?  I think I don't let go of those things because that would be saying it's all ok now, and it isn't, it never will be.  I never want to let them go or let go of the pain inside me, because I don't deserve that.  I guess it's a self-punishment, but yet it's so unfullfilling.  I have lived like this for years.  Could LDD be the answer?  Am I being selfish?  I don't know.  I guess we'll have to see.

Thank you all again and welcome to my blog!

Until next time,
Jadedjewel