Our Story...Continued

In my previous post of Our Story I finished off the post with a couple of questions I am going to attempt to answer.  The questions were:  "Why is LDD needed or even wanted in our relationship?" and "Why, after so much abuse, would I even be interested in being spanked at all?"


If I was to be honest with you and myself, I would have to say I am still working on understanding this.  I have a feeling of something missing, of something lost.  I have a desire to be forgiven, to be cleansed.  A desire to be loved, truly, completely, and unconditionally.  A desire to be held accountable within a realm of deep-seated love that honestly only wants what's best for me.  A desire to be nurtured and cared for, to be safe and complete.  A desire that there is one person in the world that can wrap his arms around you and make everything ok.  A desire to know that someone really cares for me and cares about what I do and don't do.  Someone that cares enough to say NO, when I want to do something that's harmful to me or those around me.  Someone that says YES, when I don't want to do something that would benefit me or those around me.  Someone that says there is a better way to live.  You can live without contention and hatred.  Home doesn't have to be a place you fear, but your haven from the world.  I want that.  I need that.  But I have that, right?


Yes, for the most part, I finally do.  I have all of that.  Except, perhaps, accountabilitity.  I have a serious attitude problem and it's very evident in my words and actions.  I am stubborn to a fault.  I am a survivor. I had to be, and I'll be damned if at this point in my life, anyone is going to tell me anything!  See where that's going?  I also have problems with consistancy in activities, such as daily things and finishing what I start.  Maybe it's because emotionally I'm only half a person, the other half remains an uncompleted puzzle waiting to be uncovered and beautified, like the projects I start and only half way finish.  I want to be told in no uncertain terms, that temper tantrums and the like are not to be tolerated.  A severe scolding from him definitely puts me in my place, but often times only for a while until the next situation comes up and I decide to throw another one.  Usually the next one is always worse than the last and I have noticed lately that they have been getting worse.  Something has to be done or we are going to end up miserable and I don't want that.  I know I should have better self-control, but I sometimes I can't do it on my own.  I need help.  When I get angry and defensive, all those feelings I keep bottled up come roaring out and proceeds to send me, and whoever is there, on a huge emotional roller coaster ride.  It almost always ends up with hurt feelings and it's just a bad thing all around.  I keep imagining how effective it is when he scolds me and try to add a proper spanking on top of that in my mind.  I think that would cease any repetition of that behavior for at least a year.    


There are other things, too.  I have an "I don't care" attitude about myself and things that could harm me.  I call this "my better off dead syndrome".  Often, I will put myself in a dangerous situation simply because I don't care if I live through it or not.  For example, I will get "pissed off" about something, somewhere and walk out.  It doesn't matter who I am with, or if I am 5 blocks, 5 miles or 50 miles from home.  And I'll walk, too.  All the way home.  I don't care what happens, don't care if I get kidnapped, hurt, cold or anything.  I numb myself to it.  I simply refuse to care.  I don't care who worries.  I justify to myself  "They should know me by now, I'll be just fine, I'm a survivor, besides who needs them anyway, I'm just fine by myself!"  I will also push people away, or I try to cut myself off from the rest of the world, like my life would be a whole lot easier if nobody gave a shit about me, if everyone forgot that I existed.  I'll quit answering the phone, only come out of the house to work, and quit talking to people in general.  Just leave me alone.  I don't want you caring about me!  See, if no one cares about me, then I don't have to care about myself.  It's a copout, but one I cling to like a lifeline.  Another example is, on occasion, I will eat everything in sight.  I don't care if I gain weight, don't care if I make myself have a heart attack, don't care if my stomach blows up and sometimes I even hope it would, because I don't care.  I will eat what I want and as much as I want and I don't care if I have any reprocusions on myself at all.  Other times, I will quit eating, because I don't care if I waste away to nothing.  I hope that I get blown away with the wind.  Sometimes the feelings are so strong, I think stupid stuff and want to do that one really, really stupid thing.  Suicide contemplations are something I struggle with quite often.  It's almost a daily struggle during this time of year.  Of course, most of the time, it's all just in my head, but sometimes that stuff gets to the surface and becomes a dangerous thing.


I really don't like feeling these ways and YES,  for those of you wondering, I do realize that these are serious problems and I have sought outside help for these issues.  I have counseling, a support group and stubborn friends.  Also, through his steadfast, patient and unconditional love, my HOH has also helped me to cope with some of these issues.  I have an anti-depressent that I try to take everyday, although, when I get to feeling better, I quit taking it.  Of course, I almost immediately get worse again, so it will be a rule when we put them together.  I did warn my HOH about my suicide thought tendencies once, because we were discussing getting guns in the house for hunting.  Due to overwhelming progress in this area, we now have a pellet gun, a .22 rifile that's mine, a .12 guage shotgun and a .54 muzzleloader in the house.  We have a gun cabinet with a lock that we keep them in, although, most of the time it's not locked.  No handguns, though.  If we ever have those in the house, I have been told that these will be under lock and key at all times, and he will have the key with him.  I am ok with this, because it keeps me safe.  However, at this point, it is unlikely that we will have handguns in the house anytime soon.


Overall, since being with my HOH, I have become a much happier person.  Love makes all the difference in the world, but I am still "me" with "me" behaviors.  Those behaviors are the ones that cause disruption and unhappiness in our otherwise peaceful world.  Because of this, after much research and contemplation, I showed my man what I had learned about LDD and asked that he hold me accountable for such behaviors through spankings.  My HOH loves me and because of this he allows me to "get away" with a lot of these behaviors.  Basically, he puts up with them because he sees them as part of who I am.  Yes, he scolds me when it gets serious, but he tempers it all with a great deal of love and understanding.  A lot of his fears in spanking me comes from my past abuse and he wants me to know that he loves me and would never hurt me like that.  I do know this and trust him.  I guess this is why I feel so comfortable asking him to do this for me and for us.  I don't want our beautiful relationship to grow stagnant, or, even worse, unhappy because of me.  I want us to grow in our happiness and love.  I understand how LDD can work in a relationship to keep respect, honesty and peace.  I want that so much for us.


I hope that this helps answer the questions I left us with last time.  Perhaps your just as confused as you were before.  As my HOH and I grow in our LDD relationship, I hope answers to these questions and more will become clearer to you and me.


Until next time,
Jadedjewel