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I read it to him, didn't want to, but I did. All I have to say is I'm a lucky girl to have a forgiving HOH. I know I'll be luckier when he's not so forgiving, however, I'm not exactly looking forward to my next discipline spanking. I much prefer good-girl spankings.
***I will call my HOH "J" from now on. He has agreed to let me do this here. The reason for me asking this of him is I find myself detaching emotionally from the blog because I can't put his name in here. This is, and should be I think, a very intimate and personal thing for me. I don't want to detach myself from my blog in any way. I want to truly speak from the heart. I hope to touch the hearts of my readers. I wish to portray LDD in a positive light.
Due to the nature of the content that this post has led me on I must include this warning:
DO NOT introduce LDD into an already abusive relationsip. This could possibly have detremental effects to you. You could possibly end up in a Master/Slave relationship from which it could take years to escape. My best advice would be to LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They will connect you to the closest office that can protect you and help you get out. They will relocate you to any location of your choice, including state to state, and provide you with the resources to get resettled. ***DO IT AFRAID, JUST DO IT***
A proper canidate for your HOH will already be compassionate, giving, kind, and love you unconditionally. Please pardon the "canidate" word, dear HOHs. Suggestions?
It's such a beautiful thing that LDD brings to the hearts of those that make this a part of their life. Many of us, including me, call LDD a "lifestyle" and "TTWD" (this thing we do). I think it's such a natural part of life that I almost don't understand why it isn't the norm. It's the internal make-up God has given us, and it's something, it seems, that every woman out there that's "missing something" is looking for. Could you imagine the marriages that could be saved? The broken hearts that could be healed? The children that would grow up so happy and healthy with the dad and mom God gave them? Could you imagine the change in America if we all adopted this "lifestyle"?
There is nothing wrong with being a strong woman. Emotionally we are strong. God made us that way. But that also makes us build walls, become stubborn and illogical. Thank the Lord that He gave us to sensible, logical, stronger counterparts to keep our emotions in check. Checks and balances. It's the way it's supposed to be. So natural.
I want to make a call to all women everywhere to give back the reins to whom they belong. Learn how to make this a part of your life. Learn how to "build" your man to be your perfect HOH. Start submitting now. This DOESN'T mean become a doormat. It means to allow him to say yea or nay without you pitching a fit. If he asks you to do something, smile and do it. Don't push his buttons. Behave yourself at all times. Remember you don't really want a Discipline spanking and you don't want to force him to having to give you one. Trust me, it is possible to screw up all by yourself without trying to.
Introduce it slowly!!!!!!!! BE PATIENT!!!!!! If he truly loves you this will be very hard for him and it may take him some time, even months, to get comfortable with the idea of spanking you. Respect that. Do not brat, or be naughty on purpose to push him to spank you. J and I have been together for 3 months shy of two years. He has spanked me in the bedroom pretty much from the beginning. But "Discipline" spanking is a whole other ball game. You are asking him to hurt you. You are asking him to make you cry. You are asking A HELL OF A LOT. I recommend purchasing Loving Domestic Discipline, reading it cover to cover and then giving it to your future HOH and allowing him all the time in the world he needs to read and absorb it.
It may seem that your HOH is not "getting it" (understanding what LDD is about and your desperate need for it). But in actuality, ladies, this is not true. Men's brains are not empty, anymore than yours is. Men are very analytical and once they choose to do something, they usually do it. They must be allowed the time to make that choice. When you introduce the LDD into your life the first thing they think about is all the things they have been taught about girls and all the things that could go wrong. Then once they get past that, and if you're patient he will, then they start thinking can I really do this? I love her, can I really do that to her? Can I really make her cry? Can I spank her properly? Can I push myself to do that? This seems to me the process that takes the most time.
If you continue to be as submissive as possible, then you will see his confidence grow. He will begin using the "command tone". Do not baulk at this or you'll blow it. He may even begin giving little "threats". This is a sign of progress. He is starting to open up to the fact that he is the man and he wears the pants. He is also opening to the idea of spanking you. You may have recieved a spanking or two by this time, probably in the bedroom. This is his way of testing the waters. This might be a good time to introduce him to blogs about LDD on the internet, if he is interested, or start your own. You're starting to get excited and might be trying to rush things a bit. DON'T. Again, be patient. It's decision time and you don't want to influence that decision negatively. I know, I almost blew it myself last week. This is the point where J is now.
What happens next? After this point I am relatively unhelpful. We are not there yet. There are many books and blogs out there that address the advanced stages of LDD. I hope to lead you through our progress to that stage. If anyone feels they have an answer to that queston for me...please comment. I love the comments, even if they are just short ones. I read every one.
Until next time...
Jadedjewel
Today, I want to take you on the journey my HOH and I took to get to where we are today. It's a journey I love to travel over and over in my mind. It's a sweet, loving journey and I hope that it gives hope to those of you out there that are still looking for your HOH.
He's 42 and I'm 37. We met Feb. 2008, went on our first date the next month and have been together ever since. It was a rocky start for the two of us. He was just getting out of a bad relationship he had been in 12 years. I was single and looking, but cautiously. Meaning, I put him through a lot before I let him have me. Also, I told him I wouldn't tell him that I loved him. At the very least, I wasn't going to be the first to say it.
When we finally hooked up it was like magic. We loved doing the same things, the same music, the same ideals, and he had a strong family background. His dad ruled the roost and there was never any question about that. He was a little down about himself, but that was rather easy to overcome, due to his upbringing and the fact I naturally submitted to him. He made it easy. He is not a huge man, but he is totally my XXL. He is almost 6' and has huge arms. I have a serious arm fetish and I love his. He also has a wolf howling at the moon tattooed on one of his biceps. I collect wolves so it was only natural to add his arm to my collection. :) He was very caring, gentle, kind, soft spoken, but such a deep voice it still sends shivers down my spine. I especially like listening to his voice on the phone because you get the full effect. When we first started going out, my friends would call to talk to him just to hear his voice. It's so sexy. Physically, he is a very strong man. He wraps his arms around me at night and I feel so safe and content. I have never in my life been able to sleep so peacefully as when I'm wrapped up in him. I love to hear that voice speaking to me and those arms wrapped around me. Oh yes, it was easy to submit. I didn't want to do anything to jepardize this wonderful little bubble he had put me in. He had taken so many worries away. He tells me, even now, that everything will be alright. It's so comforting to hear those words. It means I'm not alone and I don't have to struggle alone.
I am pretty sure we fell in love almost instantly. Once, I think he was working up the courage to say it or something. It was the way he was looking at me. We hadn't been together very long when I felt that he was about to say it. I told him don't say it. It's too soon. I didn't want to hear it. Remember, I wasn't going to say it first either. Well, he wasn't going to say it, but he got the point. Finally, one night he looked at me and said "I don't care if you want to hear it or not. I think I've fallen in love with you." I cried and told him that I loved him, too. I know. Sappy! Got to love romance.
We moved in together at the beginning of June. He had to teach me the meaning of "we", "us" and "ours". That was a difficult concept for me and it took him quite a while. In all my other relationships, there was no "us" and definitely no "ours". It was either "yours" or "mine" depending on who's pocket the money came out of. Usually it came out of my pocket, (if I had money, it was always spent first) but somehow ended up being "his" anyway. By my HOH teaching me the meaning of these words, it made it easier for me to let him take care of things. I do pay the bills, but that's cause I'm home and I have time to do that, but he gives me the money for them and usually takes care of any other little expenses we have such as food, gas and other things. I don't tell him what to do with his money. I never have done that to any of the men I was with. But, on the other hand, he doesn't tell me what to do with mine, either. He doesn't care how I spend it as long as the bills get paid. That is completely new to me. I've never had that. I always had to give all my money to the men I was with, but he doesn't want my money. He insists on paying himself and very rarely takes money from me or lets me pay. If we are going out my treat, I give him the money before we get to our destination, so he can still pay. It really works! It allows him to still be in control of the situation with only the two of us knowing it's on me. It also helps keep me from overspending, because he has the money. I love the consideration he has for me and I try to return that in any way I can. I also don't pick fights with him very often. It's not my style. I hate contention and so does he, so we rarely ever argue.
Our lovemaking was explosive. We just clicked. Fortunately, we both decided at our age there was no point in being coy, so we are very connected and explorative. We constantly communicate to each other our likes and dislikes. We enjoy watching porn together. I lean a little toward the light BDSM side of porn, so we have played around with light bondage, erotic spanking and movies like The Submission of "O". In a way, I thought what I was searching for was a light type of BDSM relationship, but I don't see me having a successful relationship that way and I can't see him being a "Master" so to speak. He would never expect me to bow to him and call him "Sir". That's not his style. Of course, this doesn't mean that I cannot see him or respect him as a Dominant or HOH. I think "Masters" play a different role. More controlling, demanding, deeper and darker, and neither one of us wants to do that to the other. No, we don't want darker, we want fresh, beautiful ways to express our love to each other and keep our love life fresh and new. I wanted to know what I needed to do in order to keep the relationship going in a positive direction. I didn't want us to become discontented, stagnant, or unhappy. Unbeknowst to me, I was about to find the answer.
One day a few months ago, I was looking for stories to read, but everything I found was too hard-core. I don't like the stories of slavery and the like. I was looking for lighter stuff and suddenly ran across a story about spanking. It was a Husband/Wife scenerio. I was hooked! The more I read, the more excited I became. All the stuff I was reading made sense and completely related to how I was feeling. How I have felt for a long time. I wasn't expecting that. I think the first blogs I came across were The Cookie Jar, Loving Domestic Discipline and C's Loving Domestic Discipline Blog. I found the Spanking Bloggers Network this way. There were other's, too. As I continued to read, I realized that I had found what it was that I was searching for. The one thing "missing" in our relationship. A way for him to discipline me when I did things that he was not pleased with. Since we had already experimented with erotic spanking this wasn't a far stretch. So I thought, anyway. As time goes on, I am discovering TTWD is a much more difficult, powerful, stimulating and richly rewarding lifestyle than I could have ever imagined.
For the next month, I continued to search, read and study anything and everything I could find about this "LDD lifestyle". It was over a month before I even mentioned anything to my HOH about it. I wanted to make sure that this was what I wanted before I asked him to do this. I like the fact that this is a twist off of the traditional Christian Domestic Discipline without the "churchy" side of it. Yes, we both believe in the Lord, but we are not church-goers or Bible readers, so that would not conform to our life in general. LDD does focus on love, respect, honesty, obedience, submission and strengthening a relationship through discipline. These are all Christian concepts and effective in any relationship. I read about the fears men have regarding this lifestyle. I discovered that many women introduce this into the relationship. It's hardly ever the man's idea. I read about different types of spankings, warm-ups, women's fears, what goes through a woman's mind when she is being spanked. I read about spanking to and through the tears. I knew he would have a very difficult time with that, because he does not like to see me cry and certainly doesn't want to be the cause of it. Anything and everything I could get my hands on I saved in my favorites, studied and reread again and again. I quit reading stories, I wanted facts. I wanted to arm my new HOH with all the knowledge he would need to be the best HOH he could be. He read everything I showed him until he almost went crazy, then I started reading stuff to him until he went crazy all over again.
I have recieved a few small disciplinary spankings from him and one preliminary spanking, but at the moment he is trying to find a way to NOT have to give me a spanking. He is fair and just. No matter what, he will not spank me if he doesn't feel I deserve it. Also, he is not quite ready to give me a spanking "through the tears". I think it scares him a little. We have had "practice" or "just for fun" spankings and a few discipline spankings. It concerns him because he leaves bruises, which I discussed in another post. Elle's post she discussed in the comment section is here. The more we study and practice, the more comfortable he becomes with spanking and the less marks he leaves. We recently have been studying up on the effects of lotion and warm-ups. There is a spanker on youtube that can give some of the hardest spankings I have seen and hardly mar the skin. It's almost always just a bright cherry red when he is done. I showed that to my HOH this weekend. It showed a video of exactly how to perform a discipline spanking. I think it was extremely informative, practical, and very helpful to him. Thank you, NIKO!
I read him my blog every time I post in it. Sometimes it's really hard to read to him what I have put in it because it bares my soul to him and often reveals faults or spankable offenses I try really hard to hide. I put a lot of stuff in here that I don't tell anyone. I guess even though I know there are people out there reading this, it's seems less risky emotionally to write stuff in here. I am tempted to skip sentences or paragraphs when I'm reading to him sometimes. I haven't done that. I read it to him word for word, but on occasion it gets really hard to keep reading because I begin feeling so vulnerable. When I read him Our Story...Continued his comment was, "I bet every HOH out there reading this is thinking, he needs to whip that girl's ass." I asked him what he was thinking and he stated pretty much that. All those behaviors are spankable offenses. He also stated that once he fully accepts this lifestyle, he is "guessing", in other words, "confident" that there won't be much repetition of bad behaviors from me. It is very hard to read stuff to him because I run the risk of getting in trouble, but I can't hide it from him. I enjoy reading it to him and he doesn't seem to mind if I do.
I pushed my HOH a little too hard last week for a spanking and almost blew the whole thing. We talked about it Sunday after we watched the videos. I have tried so hard to let him take his time, but I guess I thought he was more comfortable with it than he actually was. That's what I get for thinking. He is seriously considering it, but I need to let him do it in his own time. He needs to get past his dislike of making me cry, even though I think he sees the benefits. He loves me so much that it is VERY hard for him to talk himself into hurting me and making me cry. Right now that seems to be how he looks at it. Completely understandable, considering the fact that this is definitely a requirement for a successful LDD relationship. I know there are benefits to this, too, but I don't think that really makes it any easier for the spanker or the spankee. However, he has assumed the position of HOH with ease despite the shortage of physical discipline. He definitely has put his foot down in certain situations and warned me of the consequences of bad behavior. Because I want to please him so much and not force him into a position where he has to spank me, I try very hard to head his warnings. So far, so good. Of course, I continue to search, study, write in my blog, and show him things that I find as he is ready.
The issue with me not taking my medication was immediately addressed. I get a prescription every three months for 100 pills. I had a prescription filled over a month ago. Probably closer to two months. We counted them. There was still 90 left. I got severely scolded for not taking my medications and he went a got a pill box for me. He filled it for me Sunday morning and told me it better be empty by Saturday. It is a rule now, our only rule, so far. and it comes with a specific discipline. If I ever get stupid enough to forget to take my medication again, then I will let you know how that turns out. Some of you are probably wondering why he didn't give me a spanking for only taking 10 pills in the last couple months. That is certainly a spankable offense. Yes, it is, but he is not ready to go there yet. I did ask him a couple of weeks ago to help me remember to take my meds and he said, basically, because of his inconsistancy in helping with that, he is partly to blame and so I didn't get one. I don't know if this is how an experienced HOH would handle this situation, but I don't question him and I don't push for him to spank me.
*******Phone call received just now******* The meds were delivered to my house on Sept. 15. OMG, that's two and a half months ago. My HOH has told me he doesn't even want to know, because that will just upset him more. Do I skip this paragraph? It's a short one.
Until next time....
Jadedjewel
In my previous post of Our Story I finished off the post with a couple of questions I am going to attempt to answer. The questions were: "Why is LDD needed or even wanted in our relationship?" and "Why, after so much abuse, would I even be interested in being spanked at all?"
If I was to be honest with you and myself, I would have to say I am still working on understanding this. I have a feeling of something missing, of something lost. I have a desire to be forgiven, to be cleansed. A desire to be loved, truly, completely, and unconditionally. A desire to be held accountable within a realm of deep-seated love that honestly only wants what's best for me. A desire to be nurtured and cared for, to be safe and complete. A desire that there is one person in the world that can wrap his arms around you and make everything ok. A desire to know that someone really cares for me and cares about what I do and don't do. Someone that cares enough to say NO, when I want to do something that's harmful to me or those around me. Someone that says YES, when I don't want to do something that would benefit me or those around me. Someone that says there is a better way to live. You can live without contention and hatred. Home doesn't have to be a place you fear, but your haven from the world. I want that. I need that. But I have that, right?
Yes, for the most part, I finally do. I have all of that. Except, perhaps, accountabilitity. I have a serious attitude problem and it's very evident in my words and actions. I am stubborn to a fault. I am a survivor. I had to be, and I'll be damned if at this point in my life, anyone is going to tell me anything! See where that's going? I also have problems with consistancy in activities, such as daily things and finishing what I start. Maybe it's because emotionally I'm only half a person, the other half remains an uncompleted puzzle waiting to be uncovered and beautified, like the projects I start and only half way finish. I want to be told in no uncertain terms, that temper tantrums and the like are not to be tolerated. A severe scolding from him definitely puts me in my place, but often times only for a while until the next situation comes up and I decide to throw another one. Usually the next one is always worse than the last and I have noticed lately that they have been getting worse. Something has to be done or we are going to end up miserable and I don't want that. I know I should have better self-control, but I sometimes I can't do it on my own. I need help. When I get angry and defensive, all those feelings I keep bottled up come roaring out and proceeds to send me, and whoever is there, on a huge emotional roller coaster ride. It almost always ends up with hurt feelings and it's just a bad thing all around. I keep imagining how effective it is when he scolds me and try to add a proper spanking on top of that in my mind. I think that would cease any repetition of that behavior for at least a year.
There are other things, too. I have an "I don't care" attitude about myself and things that could harm me. I call this "my better off dead syndrome". Often, I will put myself in a dangerous situation simply because I don't care if I live through it or not. For example, I will get "pissed off" about something, somewhere and walk out. It doesn't matter who I am with, or if I am 5 blocks, 5 miles or 50 miles from home. And I'll walk, too. All the way home. I don't care what happens, don't care if I get kidnapped, hurt, cold or anything. I numb myself to it. I simply refuse to care. I don't care who worries. I justify to myself "They should know me by now, I'll be just fine, I'm a survivor, besides who needs them anyway, I'm just fine by myself!" I will also push people away, or I try to cut myself off from the rest of the world, like my life would be a whole lot easier if nobody gave a shit about me, if everyone forgot that I existed. I'll quit answering the phone, only come out of the house to work, and quit talking to people in general. Just leave me alone. I don't want you caring about me! See, if no one cares about me, then I don't have to care about myself. It's a copout, but one I cling to like a lifeline. Another example is, on occasion, I will eat everything in sight. I don't care if I gain weight, don't care if I make myself have a heart attack, don't care if my stomach blows up and sometimes I even hope it would, because I don't care. I will eat what I want and as much as I want and I don't care if I have any reprocusions on myself at all. Other times, I will quit eating, because I don't care if I waste away to nothing. I hope that I get blown away with the wind. Sometimes the feelings are so strong, I think stupid stuff and want to do that one really, really stupid thing. Suicide contemplations are something I struggle with quite often. It's almost a daily struggle during this time of year. Of course, most of the time, it's all just in my head, but sometimes that stuff gets to the surface and becomes a dangerous thing.
I really don't like feeling these ways and YES, for those of you wondering, I do realize that these are serious problems and I have sought outside help for these issues. I have counseling, a support group and stubborn friends. Also, through his steadfast, patient and unconditional love, my HOH has also helped me to cope with some of these issues. I have an anti-depressent that I try to take everyday, although, when I get to feeling better, I quit taking it. Of course, I almost immediately get worse again, so it will be a rule when we put them together. I did warn my HOH about my suicide thought tendencies once, because we were discussing getting guns in the house for hunting. Due to overwhelming progress in this area, we now have a pellet gun, a .22 rifile that's mine, a .12 guage shotgun and a .54 muzzleloader in the house. We have a gun cabinet with a lock that we keep them in, although, most of the time it's not locked. No handguns, though. If we ever have those in the house, I have been told that these will be under lock and key at all times, and he will have the key with him. I am ok with this, because it keeps me safe. However, at this point, it is unlikely that we will have handguns in the house anytime soon.
Overall, since being with my HOH, I have become a much happier person. Love makes all the difference in the world, but I am still "me" with "me" behaviors. Those behaviors are the ones that cause disruption and unhappiness in our otherwise peaceful world. Because of this, after much research and contemplation, I showed my man what I had learned about LDD and asked that he hold me accountable for such behaviors through spankings. My HOH loves me and because of this he allows me to "get away" with a lot of these behaviors. Basically, he puts up with them because he sees them as part of who I am. Yes, he scolds me when it gets serious, but he tempers it all with a great deal of love and understanding. A lot of his fears in spanking me comes from my past abuse and he wants me to know that he loves me and would never hurt me like that. I do know this and trust him. I guess this is why I feel so comfortable asking him to do this for me and for us. I don't want our beautiful relationship to grow stagnant, or, even worse, unhappy because of me. I want us to grow in our happiness and love. I understand how LDD can work in a relationship to keep respect, honesty and peace. I want that so much for us.
I hope that this helps answer the questions I left us with last time. Perhaps your just as confused as you were before. As my HOH and I grow in our LDD relationship, I hope answers to these questions and more will become clearer to you and me.
Until next time,
Jadedjewel
We have had many things to dread this year, but this is a time to stop and be thankful for all the things we do have. Family, friends, new opportunities, love, respect, joy and SPANKINGS!
Let's all remember to thank our HOH's for their unwavering support this year! Have a wonderful Holiday everyone!
Be Good and if you can't be good at least be good at it!
