skip to main |
skip to sidebar
In my previous post of Our Story I finished off the post with a couple of questions I am going to attempt to answer. The questions were: "Why is LDD needed or even wanted in our relationship?" and "Why, after so much abuse, would I even be interested in being spanked at all?"
If I was to be honest with you and myself, I would have to say I am still working on understanding this. I have a feeling of something missing, of something lost. I have a desire to be forgiven, to be cleansed. A desire to be loved, truly, completely, and unconditionally. A desire to be held accountable within a realm of deep-seated love that honestly only wants what's best for me. A desire to be nurtured and cared for, to be safe and complete. A desire that there is one person in the world that can wrap his arms around you and make everything ok. A desire to know that someone really cares for me and cares about what I do and don't do. Someone that cares enough to say NO, when I want to do something that's harmful to me or those around me. Someone that says YES, when I don't want to do something that would benefit me or those around me. Someone that says there is a better way to live. You can live without contention and hatred. Home doesn't have to be a place you fear, but your haven from the world. I want that. I need that. But I have that, right?
Yes, for the most part, I finally do. I have all of that. Except, perhaps, accountabilitity. I have a serious attitude problem and it's very evident in my words and actions. I am stubborn to a fault. I am a survivor. I had to be, and I'll be damned if at this point in my life, anyone is going to tell me anything! See where that's going? I also have problems with consistancy in activities, such as daily things and finishing what I start. Maybe it's because emotionally I'm only half a person, the other half remains an uncompleted puzzle waiting to be uncovered and beautified, like the projects I start and only half way finish. I want to be told in no uncertain terms, that temper tantrums and the like are not to be tolerated. A severe scolding from him definitely puts me in my place, but often times only for a while until the next situation comes up and I decide to throw another one. Usually the next one is always worse than the last and I have noticed lately that they have been getting worse. Something has to be done or we are going to end up miserable and I don't want that. I know I should have better self-control, but I sometimes I can't do it on my own. I need help. When I get angry and defensive, all those feelings I keep bottled up come roaring out and proceeds to send me, and whoever is there, on a huge emotional roller coaster ride. It almost always ends up with hurt feelings and it's just a bad thing all around. I keep imagining how effective it is when he scolds me and try to add a proper spanking on top of that in my mind. I think that would cease any repetition of that behavior for at least a year.
There are other things, too. I have an "I don't care" attitude about myself and things that could harm me. I call this "my better off dead syndrome". Often, I will put myself in a dangerous situation simply because I don't care if I live through it or not. For example, I will get "pissed off" about something, somewhere and walk out. It doesn't matter who I am with, or if I am 5 blocks, 5 miles or 50 miles from home. And I'll walk, too. All the way home. I don't care what happens, don't care if I get kidnapped, hurt, cold or anything. I numb myself to it. I simply refuse to care. I don't care who worries. I justify to myself "They should know me by now, I'll be just fine, I'm a survivor, besides who needs them anyway, I'm just fine by myself!" I will also push people away, or I try to cut myself off from the rest of the world, like my life would be a whole lot easier if nobody gave a shit about me, if everyone forgot that I existed. I'll quit answering the phone, only come out of the house to work, and quit talking to people in general. Just leave me alone. I don't want you caring about me! See, if no one cares about me, then I don't have to care about myself. It's a copout, but one I cling to like a lifeline. Another example is, on occasion, I will eat everything in sight. I don't care if I gain weight, don't care if I make myself have a heart attack, don't care if my stomach blows up and sometimes I even hope it would, because I don't care. I will eat what I want and as much as I want and I don't care if I have any reprocusions on myself at all. Other times, I will quit eating, because I don't care if I waste away to nothing. I hope that I get blown away with the wind. Sometimes the feelings are so strong, I think stupid stuff and want to do that one really, really stupid thing. Suicide contemplations are something I struggle with quite often. It's almost a daily struggle during this time of year. Of course, most of the time, it's all just in my head, but sometimes that stuff gets to the surface and becomes a dangerous thing.
I really don't like feeling these ways and YES, for those of you wondering, I do realize that these are serious problems and I have sought outside help for these issues. I have counseling, a support group and stubborn friends. Also, through his steadfast, patient and unconditional love, my HOH has also helped me to cope with some of these issues. I have an anti-depressent that I try to take everyday, although, when I get to feeling better, I quit taking it. Of course, I almost immediately get worse again, so it will be a rule when we put them together. I did warn my HOH about my suicide thought tendencies once, because we were discussing getting guns in the house for hunting. Due to overwhelming progress in this area, we now have a pellet gun, a .22 rifile that's mine, a .12 guage shotgun and a .54 muzzleloader in the house. We have a gun cabinet with a lock that we keep them in, although, most of the time it's not locked. No handguns, though. If we ever have those in the house, I have been told that these will be under lock and key at all times, and he will have the key with him. I am ok with this, because it keeps me safe. However, at this point, it is unlikely that we will have handguns in the house anytime soon.
Overall, since being with my HOH, I have become a much happier person. Love makes all the difference in the world, but I am still "me" with "me" behaviors. Those behaviors are the ones that cause disruption and unhappiness in our otherwise peaceful world. Because of this, after much research and contemplation, I showed my man what I had learned about LDD and asked that he hold me accountable for such behaviors through spankings. My HOH loves me and because of this he allows me to "get away" with a lot of these behaviors. Basically, he puts up with them because he sees them as part of who I am. Yes, he scolds me when it gets serious, but he tempers it all with a great deal of love and understanding. A lot of his fears in spanking me comes from my past abuse and he wants me to know that he loves me and would never hurt me like that. I do know this and trust him. I guess this is why I feel so comfortable asking him to do this for me and for us. I don't want our beautiful relationship to grow stagnant, or, even worse, unhappy because of me. I want us to grow in our happiness and love. I understand how LDD can work in a relationship to keep respect, honesty and peace. I want that so much for us.
I hope that this helps answer the questions I left us with last time. Perhaps your just as confused as you were before. As my HOH and I grow in our LDD relationship, I hope answers to these questions and more will become clearer to you and me.
Until next time,
Jadedjewel
We have had many things to dread this year, but this is a time to stop and be thankful for all the things we do have. Family, friends, new opportunities, love, respect, joy and SPANKINGS!
Let's all remember to thank our HOH's for their unwavering support this year! Have a wonderful Holiday everyone!
Be Good and if you can't be good at least be good at it!
Well, good morning friends and fellow bloggers. It has been a rather trying weekend for both of us. It was the last weekend of deer firearm season and we got skunked. I guess that happens, but fortunately, deer season isn't over for us. We still have muzzleloader season and that lasts all of December.
Not much to say today, so I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
AN EAGLE CANNOT FLY IN A SKY WITH BOUNDRIES
Until next time,
Jadedjewel
I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all your comments and encouragements. It's a scary thing I think sometimes, entering into the LDD lifestyle. Scary for us, anyway. It's nice to know that there are others out there who understand TTWD.
His fears sometimes override our ability to move forward right now, but as Elle said it's a learning curve. I try not to push, but sometimes I wonder if he is really interested at all. I say this sitting on a sore bum, because I did talk him into a "just for fun" spanking last night that turned into a exotic spanking, which turned into the most fantastic blowjob I think I have ever given him. I was so lost in it. Hmmm. It was yummy. And, of course followed up by fantastic lovemaking. Progress? Not sure. He wanted to stop long before I was ready, but it worried him how red my butt was getting, and he could see marks. But, the warm-up was better and I did talk him to our pink leather paddle, but I could still feel his hesitation. Then guess what my dumbass did? I decided to put lotion on my bottom to keep it from chafting.... Yeah, OMG that stung like flippin' crazy. WOW. Not sure I will be doing that again anytime soon. We laughed about that for quite a while. Hmmm, maybe that's why our men put lotion on our bottoms afterwards in the first place? Anyway, this morning I can feel it, but the marks are almost gone and I love him so much for pushing his own limits and mine. My fears are more of how much it's going to hurt when he does get the hang of it. Other than that I guess I'm not afraid of anything except losing him.
I want so much to be all I can be for him. He is so worthy, even though he doesn't see it. He was with a woman for 12 years that did nothing but control him and tear him down. Just the fact he stuck it out for as long as he did says a lot about his determination, committment and inner strength. Also, when he did finally decide to leave her, he didn't go back. That says a lot to me, too.
You should see the man he is today. OMG, what a difference a good woman can make. Not just in him, but in any good man. They really have to start out being good, ladies, or you're wasting your time. I am not bragging, but I respect him, he has his freedom as I have mine. Not the freedom to hurt one another or stay out till God knows when with God know who, but the freedom to be ourselves, to do the things we enjoy. Yes, I love hunting and fishing, especially with him, but that doesn't mean that every time he goes he has to take me along. He needs that time for himself. I get that from him, too. I get to visit my friends pretty much whenever I want, I get to choose what I do for a living and if I want to work or not if I'm called in. Where I want the garden and what I want in it, what flowers I like, what indoor plants I want...the list goes on forever. I have all those choices now, why shouldn't he? Yes, we each have different choices that we make, but we each have the freedom to make them. Otherwise it would be a totally unfair and unjust relationship and if there is one thing I can't stand it's injustice! I also submit to him willingly. If he makes a decision, I may not agree, but it's not my place to throw a fit. By allowing him to make those decisions and supporting what he decides it builds him.
We consult each other and communicate our desires without fear of condemnation or retribution. That's why I feel so free to tell him about this and, recently to ask him for a spanking when I need or want one. I really want to get the new LDD book for him to read because he likes to read books. He doesn't like to sit and read blogs on the computer one bit, but that will have to wait until after Christmas. Ahhh...Patient is a virtue. Until then, he lets me read to him. I read him stuff I find and my own blog, too. I think it helps him to understand what goes on inside my head.
Men have egos and they are very fragile, ladies. BE CAREFUL or you will be responsible for the man you are unhappy with. If you "allow" them to make a decision, don't like the one they make, "take back the reins" and make the decision yourself the way you want it, you are not submitting and you are tearing your man down.
If you get a chance read Proverbs 31. Those of you ladies out there that are Christians should be familiar with this chapter. It would be good to memorize it. It tells you exactly the woman you should be for your God and your man. It's like God's list of "rules" for us. I have been with some messed up men and usually any chance of being successful at that kind of woman was severly stifled, usually through some form of mental, emotional or physical abuse. When they tell you your useless or worthless, and attack you with accusations of things you didn't do or crush you because anything you did do definitely wasn't good enough, it really hurts, and you just quit wanting to be that woman. Why, what's the point? Especially when you know it won't matter tonight, anyhow.
Then along came my HOH. Everything I did he supported, everything I did was perfect, everything I tried was just fine with him, even if I didn't succeed. I wasn't used to that. He is so trustworthy, strong, honest, caring, and unselfish. He holds himself accountable for mistakes he makes, but he holds me accountable, too. He does scold me on occasion, at times very severly. Usually, when I've done something stupid that put me in danger and made him worry about me. That's one of his breaking points I think. He does not like it when I make him worry and I try not to do that very often. Another breaking point of his, I'm pretty sure, is when my mouth gets away from me in public, like the time I got in what he calls "a pissing contest" with a nurse at the hospital when he got sick a couple months ago. Those are the times when I think to myself "I wish he would just woop my ass. Then I know I won't do it again." I feel horrible when I've dissappointed him and upset him like that. But when he's done, that's it. It's done. He doesn't hold anything over my head. I imagine he feels comfortable asserting himself because he knows I will submit and partly because that's the true man inside him in the first place. It just needed some room to come out. What do you do with a man like that? LOL, introduce him to LDD!!
I love him with all my heart and want so much to be everything he needs. He says I am, but I have so many short-comings, so much baggage that keep me from where I want to be. I think perhaps maybe also, if I could somehow atone for at least some of my sins, that maybe I could sleep peacefully at night instead of staying awake crying over things that hurt so bad. Maybe I wouldn't have to take anti-depressants anymore. I could be really truly free inside. That's worth any sacrifice, isn't it? I think I don't let go of those things because that would be saying it's all ok now, and it isn't, it never will be. I never want to let them go or let go of the pain inside me, because I don't deserve that. I guess it's a self-punishment, but yet it's so unfullfilling. I have lived like this for years. Could LDD be the answer? Am I being selfish? I don't know. I guess we'll have to see.
Thank you all again and welcome to my blog!
Until next time,
Jadedjewel
I met my HOH in February 2008. I was working as a bartender in a local bar and he was a customer. Not the kind of customer that sits at the bar and makes as much noise as possible, but the quiet kind. He sat at a table, by himself, against the wall and facing the bar, so he could watch everything going on. Possibly watching me? He looked familiar, but I couldn't place him. He would have a couple of beers and then leave. He did this for a week or so before I finally approached him in friendly conversation - "Who are you and where do I know you from?" I demanded. He looked up at me kind of surprised, yet amused and said he had been wondering the same thing. Turns out he was a customer of mine when I worked at a convenience store in a nearby town. I wasn't interested in anybody then, the pain of my previous relationship still fresh in my heart. It would be over a year and half before I ran into him again at the bar. He later moved up to the bar to be closer to me while I worked. He never stayed long, but always left me with a smile and a promise he would try to come by the next day.
We went out on our first date a few weeks later, after we got through some semi-political BS at work, and I got my boss' approval to date him. I had to cancel our original first date. We had a wonderful time. He was the gentle giant, the perfect gentleman.
Ok not exactly a giant, but at almost 6' and 240 lbs, he's no small boy! Not complaining!
When we arrived back at my apartment, the police had the apartment building surrounded with yellow tape and we couldn't get to my door. There had been a killing in our apartment building!! We live in a little po-dunk down in great plains Nebraska, (population less than 5000), where that kind of stuff in unheard of, so needless to say, it was quite the night.
Anyway, my HOH was not pushy at all when I hesitated to give him a "first date kiss", and told him that as of yet, no men were allowed in my apartment, then sent him home. It was almost like he was handling a fragile teacup so gentle he was with me and in respecting my wishes. That was quite a memorable first date.
Anyway, we discovered that we had almost everything in common, except perhaps, our upbringing. Fishing, Camping, Hunting (Never done, always wanted), Music, Pool, Bowling, Gardening, Dogs (Always wanted a big dog, but afraid of dogs, so just had a cat). So many things...to many to list. He loved doing all the things I loved doing and desired to do, but never got the chance. Whenever I allowed a man into my life, usually within two months of leaving the last one, he was unsupportive or abusive. I was stuck in the house all the time. I am an outdoor girl and that was like feeling trapped continuously in some dark and angry hole. No curtains were allowed to be opened, no sunlight, no air, just dank and dark. I hated it and I never wanted to live like that again.
Being single, I was able to have my curtains and windows open, I had a beautiful vine growing in the corner with a couple of other plants I had gathered along the way and I wasn't living in constant fear. "NO MEN ALLOWED IN MY APARTMENT, EVER!!" was a written rule on my refrigerator, posted via sticky note by yours truly, to prevent myself from stupidly involving myself with strange men. There were a couple of occasions that I made an exception, because a friend brought her husband with her. Perfectly acceptable. However, due to previous abuse, I was susceptable to any smooth talker that came along. All I wanted was to be loved, but I was going to be smarter this time.
My HOH and I fell in love a few months later and it felt so complete. He was kind, caring, attentive, strong, and handsome. How could I not love a man like that? He was everything I had always wanted, but told myself I wasn't good enough to have. He has told me many times that he doesn't deserve me and refuses to believe me when I say it's the other way around. It upsets him a little when I say that, because he doesn't like me thinking so little of myself, so I usually keep that precious bit knowledge to myself. I don't deserve him and I never will!! But, he loves me unconditionally. That is a precious, precious thing that I will treasure for as long as the Good Lord allows it.
We have been together ever since and I still have every window in the house open as long as weather permits and I never put the curtains down unless we want some privacy. I even leave them open at night! We have two dogs, one really big black Lab/German wirehair and one mid-sized really cute yellow Boxer/Rot/Lab mix. This year will be my second year deer hunting and we go fishing and camping every chance we get. I have a garden outside and a forest inside. I have homemade bread in my new deep freeze and for the first time ever I have an electric dishwasher! I have flowers out in the front yard that I tend to, and when we get bored with all that, we go to our favorite hang-out, have dinner and shoot some pool! He has been unbelievably supported in anything I wish to do and if it doesn't work out he is always there encouraging me to try again.
Life is wonderful! We have respect, love, caring, honesty, intimacy, peace and so much more in our relationship.
So, perhaps you are asking why is LDD needed or even wanted in our relationship? Or perhaps you are asking yourself why, after so much abuse, would I even be interested in being spanked at all? Well, I will try my best to answer that question in my next post.
Thank you so much and I do hope you enjoy reading these posts as much as I enjoy writing them. It is such a relief to get my experiences, emotions and story out in writing. I recommend to anyone to open a blog in an area of interest to you and write your own experiences down. You might find yourself a little less stressed and possibly a little cleansed.
Sorry I haven't written anymore since I opened this blog. It's been kind of busy with deer hunting this weekend and I worked quite a bit last week. But I wanted to share this little story from this weekend. Enjoy!
Although I have not told our whole story yet, my HOH did give me a spanking Friday night. He still is not comfortable with the concept of spanking me to tears, but he seems to have no trouble delivering a few hard swats on my bare bottom to remind me to behave.
I am a caregiver. In my line of work I take care of the elderly in their homes, so that they do not have to go into a nursing home. I just got my first private client about a month ago. It happens to be my HOH's boss' mom and dad! It was a fluke, but it has really seemed to work out well except for one little thing..... MY MOUTH!! Yes, I have a problem when confronted with a differing opinion than my own. I must be right... The only game I play is I WIN!!. Yes, we are going to have to work on that. I really hate it actually, it gets me in so much trouble.
Anyway, She and I happened to have differing opinions on EVERYTHING! Well, except for the way I take care of her husband. Absolutely, no complaints there. I am very good at what I do, but I seem to butt heads with other strong willed people such as myself. Otherwise, we have "debated", as she calls it, I call it arguing, but that's because she has usually gotten my ire up by then, about football, politics, and just about anything else we can think of. She says she likes me because I speak my mind, but I end up seeing red!?
I don't know, anyway, we had another tiff Friday morning because I asked her if coming in an hour earlier that evening was Ok, because another caregiver of a different client wanted to leave a little early. She was already agitated over about 50 other things and she had company coming that afternoon, so of course she said no. That was fine, but she wasn't very nice about saying it and I pretty much told her so. Anyway, I finished working and we were talking about the holidays and she, being a caregiver herself, made the comment that she wouldn't have to work Thanksgiving or Christmas with her clients because they were really flexible with their schedule for her. (She is expecting me, too.) I popped off "Isn't nice when your clients are flexible with your schedule?" She looked up at me rather sharply. See what I mean? Always getting me in trouble!
It's frustrating as well, because everytime I walk through the door I get to play twenty questions. She asks the questions and expects me to answer. First of all, most of the questions she asks is inappropriate for me to answer, because it is regarding other clients that she used to be friends with that she doesn't see anymore. I try to tell her to go visit them and see how they are doing. She gets upset because I won't tell her things. I CAN'T. It's called HIPA! Not only that, but it distracts me from taking care of her husband (my main priority). It's hard to get everything together and make sure I do everything right, when I have to answer a hundred questions.
Ok, back to the spanking. I was talking to my HOH about it and I had to go back over there that evening. I was really worried that my mouth would run away with me again. We agreed that a preemptive spanking would be in order. He told me to take my pants and panties off and made me bend over a chair. That was scary. It wasn't very severe, but it left it's mark and I was very careful with my mouth that night.
My HOH and I originally had agreed that I wouldn't get preemptive spankings because he said he couldn't bring himself to punish me for something I haven't done yet, but I'm thinking he doesn't have a problem with it now and has discussed giving others on specific occasions regarding my mouth. True, it was only one spanking, but I still responded appropriately.
At least I thought so, until this morning. I had to bring it up, I guess I felt I didn't make my point previously. I will have to talk to my HOH about it this evening.
Anyway, that's all for now. I will blog some more later. Thank you for listening and keep it real!
I want to say a big hello to everyone and look forward to blogging my experiences with my HOH.
This blog is mostly for me. My HOH will probably read it on occasion and maybe comment a little. I have so many thoughts and feelings that I'm confusing myself I think. To write them down would be a relief. To hear your comments and ideas would be enlightening.
I have spent weeks researching and reading everything I can find about the LDD lifestyle. I am 37 years old and this isn't just a fleeting fantasy. I have desired to be loved my whole life. I know that discipline and love go hand in hand. If you love your child, you will discipline them. I believe a man that truly loves his wife will discipline her. I also know the difference between discipline and abuse.
I have NEVER been disciplined. I HAVE been hit, smacked, beat, shoved, thrown, and chained in anger. I have never felt forgiveness, love, reconciliation or release from my guilt. It's always hanging over my head like some black cloud and in my face constantly even to this day. I have spent my whole life running, hurt, angry, unloved, abandoned, guilt-ridden and on the defensive. UNTIL NOW.....
(to be continued....)
