Christmas! Christmas! Christmas!

Before I start this I want to say that I really do like Christmas.  I like the lights, songs, and decorations.  I like seeing family, because it seems the only time of year everyone can see each other.  So, it's not really Christmas that I hate, it's the emotions that build all year and come to a head at the holidays. And almost always the basis for those emotions is the feelings I harbor against my mother.

Unfortunately for me Christmas is a dreaded event.  I stress about it all year.  Early in the year because I'm trying to play "catch up" on bills that I passed up paying to have a Christmas.  The rest of the year, I stress because I hate the way my mom acts all year, so cold and unfeeling, and then at Christmas she's almost worse, because she'll deal with you because it's the holidays, but you wonder if she really cares or if she's just putting on a show.  I hate it because I am poor and they are not and I can't do all the things she can for Christmas, so I get looked down upon like I'm a failure.  So I feel like a failure all year and then Christmas again.  It's a vicious cycle and it's worse this year.  I am so angry about the way my mom is treating my son that I just want to rip her head off.  I keep stewing about this and it's making me more and more angry.  I've been stewing about this since school started.


I have two children, a daughter and a son.  My girl is older.  She'll be 18 in a month.  My son is 17 months younger than her to the day.  They both live with my parents.  My mom LOVES my daughter.  Has since day one.  Would always take her overnight when she was a baby, spoiled her, she never went without anything.  Then my son came along.  He looked like me, acted like me, was a spitting image of me.  She hates him.  She treats him like crap.  I see my daughter so happy and my son is miserable.  I also see the way my mom treats my daughter and the way she treats my son.  I know why my daughter is happy and I know why my son is miserable.  And I hate her for it.


Ok, first of all neither of my parents are really my parents.  (I find that easier to say as I grow older and I don't like it.  It's proof I'm becoming more detached to them all the time.)  I was adopted at age four by this couple.  My dad and I always got along, but he's very laid back and cool.  That woman and me, though, was a completely different story.  She hated me and let me know that at every opportunity.  Unfortunately, that brings me back to the treatment of my son.  She is an angel to my daughter and the wicked witch of the west to my son.  She treats him like she treated me only it's worse because it's emotional damage on my son, not physical like with me.  She can't hit him, because she knows better.  I'd kill her.  But, there are so many other things she does to him.  OMG I want to scream!!!!!!!!  WTF?  What kind of person does that?  What does that say about her? What does it say about me that I hate this woman that is supposed to be my mom?  It's hurts.  I stew and I cry and I stress.  I don't think I'm going to be able to hold my tongue at our next family gathering.  I don't even want to be there for Christmas, because the surroundings will only intesify my anger.


My son is so miserable and he failed all his classes this semester.  He didn't even try.  He doesn't want to.  What's the point?  It doesn't matter what he does anyway, it will never be good enough.  I hated her for doing that to me, and I hate her more for doing that to him.  On the other hand, my daughter is passing with flying colors.  It's not that school is harder for him or that he's not smart enough.  He doesn't have anyone that loves him there.  When you know your unloved and unwelcome and it's flaunted at you right in front of your sister who can do no wrong, that hurts.  He's talked about suicide and running away to Japan and never coming back.  She's hurting him and I can't stop it.


What do I do? What can I do?  I don't know.  I want to tell her off, but that's not going to help my son and will probably destroy what little relationship I have left with my parents.  I don't want to lose my parents.  I love them, but I hate what they are doing.  I hate how mom is treating my son and I hate that my dad lets it happen.  I hate that I didn't do something to stop it a long time ago when he was a baby.  She was doing it then and of course it's gotten worse.  That woman thinks she can get away with murder.


 J and I are going to see his family this year for Christmas. Because my daughter's 18th birthday is the next month after Christmas we are going out for her birthday. That's the best I can do right now.


I want to add that I do wish J was more comfortable with spanking me.  I sure could use some stress relief and a good cry.


I do hope that all of you out there make it through this Christmas and have a Merry one.


Until next time,
Jadedjewel