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The Professor Who Spanked Me
One of the last times I got a spanking was while I was on vacation. I was in a busy city where I have a lot of old friends, and one of them happens to be a professor. I was never his student, not in any officially academic way, although I did learn some things from him. We used to get together for a beer and some chit chat, or we might wind up hanging out in his quaint old house. He had an amazing music and book collection, and we would sit for hours and talk about it sometimes over a glass of wine. I looked him up when I was visiting, because he was also one of my spanking friends- and well, after the first time he spanked me I haven’t missed any opportunity for more education!
One of the first times we were hanging out, I discovered that we share the same kink. It was neat for me, because even though I didn’t place him in the same category as romantic friends, he fit a certain archetype. The funny part is that I knew he was a professor- but not that he is also a drummer on the side. Let me tell you, drummers are very practiced at whacking things with precision, I’ll warn you with that about letting any of them spank you! I, however, was not so wise. I took a bar bet with him, which would mean an hour long spanking of I lost. An hour! I can be smug, but what was I thinking? Oh, you’re guessing right- I lost the bet. He let me finish my glass of wine and cigarette, and asked me to go into his spare bedroom.
He sat down and pulled me over his lap. I couldn’t believe it was actually happening! I didn’t have to wonder long about whether or not he was serious. First he started to spank me with his hand, and then he picked up a hairbrush– that just happened to be laying there. Huh? I realized at that moment that I had sort of been set up. He had this in mind before he made that bet. He started paddling my bottom with the hairbrush like a naughty little girl, as I realized that this was only going to get worse. And go on for a long time….. Now, my skirt wasn’t even up yet, and he asks me “Oh, what time did we start?” I didn’t know. He lifted my nose up so I could take notice of the clock in the corner. Then he explained to me that I should have known it was my responsibility to keep track of time. He started over, pulling up my skirt. I winced, knowing this professor was now seeing my lacy little red panties. He put the hairbrush down for a moment and proceeded to slap my ass with his hand, hard. The smacks rained down in different spots, and I was beginning to feel a building hot burn. I squirmed a little and he hooked his leg over mine, pinned my wrist to my back, and picked the hairbrush up. I hadn’t been making much noise about it yet, but as he brought the wooden back down spanking me with it, I yelped and squeaked out little surprised sounds of discomfort. He didn’t seem to care…..
I looked up at the clock, and realized with mild horror that it had only been about 5 minutes. My bottom must have been glowing red outside the edges of my panties, which I soon felt him tugging on. He made me lean up slightly, which I did without hesitation, and he pulled them down. I whimpered and felt my face flush with embarrassment, knowing that he could see my bottom and mean to continue spanking me. Did I think he had just been joking? Or had I really been looking for a way to get him to do this all along?
Either way it didn’t matter. Something cool and different was on my bare bottom. With a resounding swat I realized it was a wicked little wooden paddle. It stung so much I couldn’t believe it. I must have started to struggle more than I realized, because he sternly told me to stay still and them swatted me about 25 times in rapid succession. I had wanted to be spanked, and now I was fighting myself not to fight the person delivering it. Clearly, would I have taken a bet like that if I didn’t want to do it, deep down? Probably not. Yet I was becoming miserable as i watched the blinking lights of the clock slip by so slowly. Seven minutes, nine minutes.
He stopped for a second and unbuckled my cute little shoes and tossed them aside. I heaved a deep breath, and he pulled my stockings off. They had become twisted up about my ankles. Then he made me stand up and put my hands on the bed. He talked about my bottom, which made me feel more embarrassed. He told me to stick it out as far as I could, and rubbed his hands across the burning surface for a second, before telling me how red it was. He said he thought I really was a naughty girl in some aspects of my life, and that I probably really needed to be spanked. He asked me if that was true, and I sighed and agreed. He told me he thought I had probably had this coming for a long time. Then I heard him unbuckle his belt and I shuddered.
Fiery lines of heat cracked across my bottom loudly, seeming to make sound first and then be felt half a second later. He whipped me with the belt maybe 12 times and then told me to kneel on the floor and lean over the bed. He kept whipping my hot bare bottom with the belt, and I held onto the other side of the mattress to try to keep myself in position. A long few minutes went by, and he dropped the belt to the floor and pulled me back across his lap. Then he continued spanking me all over with his hand, squeezing here and there, running his fingers across a line, and then slapping hard again. This time he started to get my thighs really good, and it definitely got my attention. Now we were at 23 minutes. I wasn’t crying but I felt close to it, and didn’t know how I could possibly take any more. I was determined not to back out, though.
My legs were quivering when he stopped for a moment and made me stand up. I was told to hold my skirt up in behind and not even think of rubbing it. Then the professor made me go stand in the corner while holding it up like that. He told me that it didn’t count as spanking time, but that he wanted me to think on all the things I probably really should get spanked for. I squirmed. I tapped my foot. He told me to stand still and behave, that he wanted me to know what it felt like to have my bottom on display like that. I could feel it throbbing and knew it must be bright red. Standing in the corner like that made me feel sheepish and childish. I didn’t want to stand there! Still, I didn’t want him to call me out of the corner, because I knew I still had a long spanking to go. He made me stand there for about five minutes, although it seemed like an hour.
Finally he told me to lay back over the bed, and I saw that there was a switch in his hand. He stacked a few pillows up and I was made to place myself over them. Then I had to ask him to “Please, spank me. Give me a good switching and then paddle my bare behind again. I know I deserve it.” I gulped as I finished saying the words he made me repeat, and then he started to whip me with the switch. The thin whippy switch was not as heavy as the belt, but it stung intensely every time it swished across my bottom. I was now writhing across the pillows, and embarrassed about how much of me he could see. It didn’t matter, I was getting my licking anyway. I started kicking my feel a little, and he smacked harder and told me to stop. Somehow the first forty minutes passed.
Then he picked up the paddle and I shuddered. For some reason I was suddenly determined not to let him see me make a big deal about this. I resolved to go ahead and take the rest of my spanking, and I wasn’t going to cry or make a fuss about it. I screwed up so much false pride about it that I actually took this opportunity to say something sassy. Let me tell you, when your bare bottom is up in the air and someone is preparing to give you a good, hard paddling anyway, maybe that’s not the best time to smart off. The paddle popped against my behind extraordinarily fast, and suddenly I was wailing. My friend just laughed at me and continued to spank me some more. He had sound proof walls and his neighbors were not close by, so it wasn’t like anyone was going to hear or notice what was going on.
Another ten minutes passed and he used a different paddle for a few minutes, the difference in sensation making the sting almost unbearable. He paused for a minute and rubbed some cool moisturizing lotion all over my bottom. His hands were gentle, but the sensation of being touched made me nearly jump into the air. My bottom hurt so much! He told me that he was doing it to help keep the skin moist, and also because it would make the last of my spanking sting more. Then he hauled me back over his knee and told me he was going to be “nice” by just spanking me with his hand for the rest of the time. Oww. Nine minutes. The curve of his hand moved with my skin on impact for every swat. I was squirming around, but he had me held down tight.
I felt the panic rise again, as he smacked harder and faster than it seemed possible. My thoughts were in a flurry, like his hand, and then suddenly I was calm. The spanking continued for another three minutes, and it really hurt, but I just took deep breaths and watched the clock flashing, having slipped into some kind of meditational place where I felt very at peace. Finally he stopped spanking me and told me I could get up. Shakily, I put my clothing back in order. We shared another glass of wine and I went home to mull the evening’s surprises over.
The moral of the story: Be careful when placing bets, sometimes they get called in.
I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I did. Have a Very Happy New Year!! Please drive safely. Party at home, it's safer. After all, it's an Amateur Drunk Night.
Until next time,
Jadedjewel
Not much to write about lately, at least in the spanking world. I intend to post a story from a book I got over Christmas, but I have not done so yet. I will get to that today, hopefully. J is going in for a minor? surgery tommorrow. Hopefully, he should feel a lot better when it's over. He's been sick to his stomach a lot lately, so they are going to fix that.
I started another blog, but did not attach it to this because the nature of the two blogs is not connected. If you are interested in checking it out the blog address is fightingforourfreedom.blogspot.com. It is very clearly stated what it is about. Please keep comments separate and I would appreciate the same courtesy there as I receive from all of you here. Agreeing to disagree is fine, just please avoid rude behavior.
I really do appreciate all of you for your support in our LDD life and look forward to much growth in this area next year. I want to wish you all a very Happy New Year and a year full of Happy Spankings!
BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED!
Until next time,
Jadedjewel
Whew! I never thought we'd make it. I'm sure glad that J is an awesome driver! We spent the holidays with his sister and brother-in-law and their two kids. We had a great time, but we got snowed in an extra day. Not too bad considering in some parts of the country it is much, much worse.
No spankings this weekend. I was a good girl for Craig. I wouldn't embarrass him in front of his family, anyway. It was his first Christmas with them in 14 years! However, I will say that he did try his best to give me a stress-relief spanking. Again, this is trial and error and we are both learning. It was good, but I know it will get better eventually. He stopped when a lot of marks started showing up. He's working on the warm-up, but hasn't mastered it, plus my bottom is not very tough right now. He doesn't like the marks, so I imagine the warm up is something he will master yet. LDD is slow to integrate into our life, but he did pick up the book the other day, so it's not dead by any means. :) YEAH!!
I know a lot of people had to improvise, but hopefully you were able to reach out to the ones around you that were lonely and spread some joy! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and would love to hear how you all ended up spending Christmas this year.
Hugs to all,
Jadedjewel
Before I start this I want to say that I really do like Christmas. I like the lights, songs, and decorations. I like seeing family, because it seems the only time of year everyone can see each other. So, it's not really Christmas that I hate, it's the emotions that build all year and come to a head at the holidays. And almost always the basis for those emotions is the feelings I harbor against my mother.
Unfortunately for me Christmas is a dreaded event. I stress about it all year. Early in the year because I'm trying to play "catch up" on bills that I passed up paying to have a Christmas. The rest of the year, I stress because I hate the way my mom acts all year, so cold and unfeeling, and then at Christmas she's almost worse, because she'll deal with you because it's the holidays, but you wonder if she really cares or if she's just putting on a show. I hate it because I am poor and they are not and I can't do all the things she can for Christmas, so I get looked down upon like I'm a failure. So I feel like a failure all year and then Christmas again. It's a vicious cycle and it's worse this year. I am so angry about the way my mom is treating my son that I just want to rip her head off. I keep stewing about this and it's making me more and more angry. I've been stewing about this since school started.
I have two children, a daughter and a son. My girl is older. She'll be 18 in a month. My son is 17 months younger than her to the day. They both live with my parents. My mom LOVES my daughter. Has since day one. Would always take her overnight when she was a baby, spoiled her, she never went without anything. Then my son came along. He looked like me, acted like me, was a spitting image of me. She hates him. She treats him like crap. I see my daughter so happy and my son is miserable. I also see the way my mom treats my daughter and the way she treats my son. I know why my daughter is happy and I know why my son is miserable. And I hate her for it.
Ok, first of all neither of my parents are really my parents. (I find that easier to say as I grow older and I don't like it. It's proof I'm becoming more detached to them all the time.) I was adopted at age four by this couple. My dad and I always got along, but he's very laid back and cool. That woman and me, though, was a completely different story. She hated me and let me know that at every opportunity. Unfortunately, that brings me back to the treatment of my son. She is an angel to my daughter and the wicked witch of the west to my son. She treats him like she treated me only it's worse because it's emotional damage on my son, not physical like with me. She can't hit him, because she knows better. I'd kill her. But, there are so many other things she does to him. OMG I want to scream!!!!!!!! WTF? What kind of person does that? What does that say about her? What does it say about me that I hate this woman that is supposed to be my mom? It's hurts. I stew and I cry and I stress. I don't think I'm going to be able to hold my tongue at our next family gathering. I don't even want to be there for Christmas, because the surroundings will only intesify my anger.
My son is so miserable and he failed all his classes this semester. He didn't even try. He doesn't want to. What's the point? It doesn't matter what he does anyway, it will never be good enough. I hated her for doing that to me, and I hate her more for doing that to him. On the other hand, my daughter is passing with flying colors. It's not that school is harder for him or that he's not smart enough. He doesn't have anyone that loves him there. When you know your unloved and unwelcome and it's flaunted at you right in front of your sister who can do no wrong, that hurts. He's talked about suicide and running away to Japan and never coming back. She's hurting him and I can't stop it.
What do I do? What can I do? I don't know. I want to tell her off, but that's not going to help my son and will probably destroy what little relationship I have left with my parents. I don't want to lose my parents. I love them, but I hate what they are doing. I hate how mom is treating my son and I hate that my dad lets it happen. I hate that I didn't do something to stop it a long time ago when he was a baby. She was doing it then and of course it's gotten worse. That woman thinks she can get away with murder.
J and I are going to see his family this year for Christmas. Because my daughter's 18th birthday is the next month after Christmas we are going out for her birthday. That's the best I can do right now.
I want to add that I do wish J was more comfortable with spanking me. I sure could use some stress relief and a good cry.
I do hope that all of you out there make it through this Christmas and have a Merry one.
Until next time,
Jadedjewel
Dear J,
Please help me. Only you can. I love you so much. Please understand my need for LDD and the benefits of such a life. I know what I am asking from you is very difficult because of the love you have for me. If you didn't love me that much this life wouldn't even be possible. I know it seems so selfish what I am asking, but it's not. It's NOT. I want to be all I can be and more for everyone that I interact with in my life. You, of course, but there is also my friends, my children, my parents, my job, my clients and my individual interactions with people every day in my life. All of these people are affected my behavior and happiness level. Please help me to be a happier, better behaved, purely feminine woman. I want to be filled with joy, peace and love. Only you can do this for me through strict discipline and love.
Do not be afraid of hurting me. You could never do that. Discipline does involve hurting me, but it's a beneficial kind of pain. A learning kind of pain. A cleansing kind of pain. A positive kind of pain. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate you. You are trying so hard to overcome your fears and reservations. I see you working on this even if you don't think I do. Please read the book with an open heart. Please read it with a logical mind. It really makes a good point about the reasoning and benefits of LDD. I desire those benefits. I need them to be a complete woman for you. I want this for us, for you. I want to be my best always, because I shine when I am at my best. The glow in me has dimishished since we have been together. My excitement for life and what doors you have opened for me has dulled some. Not due to any fault of yours or mine, but just because I am a woman and that's what happens over time. A spanking is like polishing the silver to make it shine again. I know discipline, good strong tearful discipline, will help me shine again. Help me to shine again for you, J.
With all my love,
Me
In a couple previous posts I mentioned the LDD book and recommended it to couples that are interested in the LDD lifestyle. I must admit, I offered this recommendation not having read the book myself. I had read several of the partial chapters posted on the Mr. LovingDD website. Due to financial contraints I felt I couldn't afford it until after Christmas. I broke down one day a couple of weeks ago and got the book anyway. I got it in the mail probably 3 days ago and I have read the whole thing. I couldn't put it down. Wow, what an awesome instruction manual for TTWD. I have now turned it over to J. I hope that he reads it with an open heart. I look forward to and yet dread when he finishes the book.
I already have an idea what kind of contract I want to make with J. The book speaks of two types of contracts. One is an open-ended type of contract that allows him to punish me whenever he feels that it is necessary. The other type of contract is a set of rules that list punishable offenses. I want a contract with J that includes both. I want a list of rules that I have to follow, but I don't want him to feel limited to just those. I want him to feel free to punish me for whatever he feels is necessary, but I also need a list of rules that spells out specific punishable offences. For example, Rule #1 might be taking my medicine every day. A second rule might be taking care when driving his pick-up. No speeding, talking on the cell, etc. But, I don't want him to feel limited to just the specific rules. If a situation comes up that he feels a spanking is warranted I want him to feel free to do that even if it's not a "Rule" so to speak.
I want him to know that in my "sane" state of mind, such as it is, I will willingly submit to whatever punishment he deems necessary. I may not willingly submit when the time comes at first, because I know me, but I hope through discipline that I will more willingly submit and hopefully grow as an individual, woman and girlfriend. I desire this greatly. I have so many capabilities that could really advance me in my own life if I would just buckle down and do it. This takes discipline of which I seem to have none. I truly believe I need J's help to do it.
Until next time...
Jadedjewel
I would really like to know how to get involved in the Fantasy Friday stories. Somewhere I saw where the pictures were posted and a short story started that we could complete and I can't find it. I have tried looking through my blogs and I'm afraid it was before I knew how to save them or I keep missing it. Anyway, if someone could tell me the blogspot that it originates from that would be helpful. Thank you all very much.
Otherwise, things are going good. We got a deer this weekend. Nice muley buck. Probably about 3 but had a very nice rack. I have a picture but it has J in it so probably won't post it. For my second year deer hunting not bad at all. J hasn't been hunting in several years so it was rather exciting all the way around. I apologize for not posting as often, but J got laid off until March, so he is home and we've been gone a lot.
So I must run again. Back to Christmas baking. You all have a wonderful day and talk to you soon!
BETTER TO REGRET SOMETHING YOU DID, THEN SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T!
Until next time,
Jadedjewel
Sorry, everyone! I haven't posted since last weekend. I have been doing some Christmas baking, finishing up on laundry, keeping up on the dishes, several unexpected calls from work, and we had a friend pass away just yesterday. Throw in a little deer hunting in the middle of that and needless to say I have been a busy girl. Not much computer time when you stay busy...hmmm imagine that. Well, I'm not busy today, so without further ado, let us continue on this wonderful venture we call LDD.
I believe that J is getting the hang of it. He told me this weekend that if I wanted LDD he was fine with that and he would work on getting more comfortable with the spanking part of it. However, there are other ways to discipline without spanking. Granted, they don't offer the catharsis, but between J and me, very effective. Let me explain. The other night J went to bed early (I'll get to the dishes, I promise). He told me I could stay up and I told him I would be to bed about 9:30. Guess what? I didn't get to bed at 9:30. No, it was more like 1:00. The next day was his birthday, and of course I was tired. To top it off I had a morning shift at 7:00 and then I got called in on another shift until 5:00. I didn't get any rest, no cake baked, nothing done for his birthday. He understood because I did end up working all day 7:00-5:00 so that wasn't a big deal. But he wasn't tired and I was. Too bad for me, I had to stay up with him anyway. It was his birthday and he wasn't going to bed right away and he told me he went to bed early in the first place so he could stay up tonight with me. So we were staying up. He didn't allow me to be grouchy about it either. It doesn't sound bad, but when I get tired I want to go to bed right now or I get grumpy. No bed and no grumpy about it. It was my fault for staying up all night. We had a nice evening and I made him some peanut butter fudge so it wasn't a total disaster, but I don't think I'll be staying up late for a while.
I do have one bad thing to report. I threw a fit later that night about something, probably because I was tired. J wasn't happy about it, but he simply told me that if I wanted to throw a fit I could do it with someone else. That stopped me in my tracks. Maybe I was hoping for a spanking, but apparantly that wasn't the best way to go about it. Instead, I almost lost him. I am NEVER throwing another fit about anything ever again. I don't want to lose the only man that has ever loved me. God, I am so stupid sometimes. Oh, help.
OK, back to the dishes. I read J all the posts and comments. I even read him my comments back to my readers. When I read to him the comments regarding just using the "command tone" and telling me to just do it and that he probably wouldn't even have to spank me, he did just that. He was going out to clean out his pick-up. I had until the time he was done to have one load running in the dishwasher and another load ready to go in. Not that I was pushing or anything, but I did tell him if he wasn't serious it wasn't going to do any good in the long run. He asked me if I wanted a spanking now to show me how serious he was. It had been over a week since he had bought me dishwasher soap. By the time he was done with his pick-up, every dish in the house was rinsed and ready to go and the dishwasher was running. The kitchen was almost clean. The kitchen hasn't been clean for months. He came inside and looked around almost in shock. "That's all it took?" he asked me. I told him yep and asked him if he was impressed. "Yes, very impressed." I do have another load ready to go in the dishwasher and I will have that done before J gets home from work tonight. So the dishes are done, and we can chalk one up for LDD! YEAH!!
The "motivation" he gave me has spilt over into other parts of my life. I actually got some Christmas baking done. I hadn't done any of that yet. I also got the rest of the kitchen cleaned up. The deep freeze was impossible to get into because of the stacks of papers and other stuff on it. I cleared a place for the dishwasher, so it wasn't in the middle of the kitchen and watered all my plants, for which I am sure they are extremely grateful. Not too bad for the naughty, lazy girl for I've been for quite a while. I am trying to be better because I know that it pleases J. Not to mention, it keeps me out of trouble. ;)
Until next time...
Jadedjewel
I don't have a lot of time to blog much, but 90% of the dishes are done. I'll tell you all more about it tommorrow.
Have a great weekend everyone! I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
IF SENSE WERE COMMON, EVERYONE WOULD HAVE IT!
Until next time,
Jadedjewel
Wow! I have to say J surprises everytime I turn around. I love him so much and his love for me overflows in my heart.
Those of you that have read my posts know I have my faults. I have some horrible behaviors that need to be addressed. J has seen my faults in action. Yet, dispite all of that, he tells me that I'm a good girl. He is comparing our relationship to the previous one he was in for 12 years. He told me last night that he wouldn't have had a problem with spanking her at all, because she was naughty and mean to him all the time. Sometimes, they would get in an argument and she would hit him or throw things at him. She was very controlling and abusive to him.
Our relationship is so different than that. We have love and freedom within the limits we have given each other. Neither one of us trys to "control" the other. Yes, I have my faults which he has seen, but he doesn't see them as very bad. I guess because even then I am not mean to him. Yes, I do cause him to worry sometimes, but because I don't put him through what she did, he will scold me, sometimes serverly, but he has a serious problem spanking me. He doesn't see any reason, too. As far as he is concerned, I don't do anything wrong, at least nothing serious enough to warrant a spanking.
I know that LDD is based on love, not hate. Because we have so much love in our relationship and I trust him so much, I introduced LDD to him. I know it will just help us grow. He sees it as a task he doesn't want to do because he loves me too much and has a hard time seeing me cry. He doesn't want to hurt me, because everything in his being is telling him, I don't deserve it. "She" deserved it, but not me.
J knows I want this, but he's not sure he wants it. I get lots of "good girl" spankings, which are quite enjoyable, but discipline spankings not so much. I have asked for stress relief spankings, just to have that catharsis that comes with it, but he isn't comfortable with them either, because they still require him to spank me hard enough to cry. He is my gentle giant full of tenderness and compassion.
Of course, I do try my best to behave myself, however, I'm still sitting in a dirty house without motivation, so I really do need him to tell me what to do. To take "control" without being "controlling". Some of you that have lived through what I have will understand this. Maybe some of you won't. It seems a fine line, but ultimately there is a big difference.
Ladies, if your man seems to be having a hard time with this, then consider yourself very lucky. If he didn't love me as much as he did, he wouldn't struggle with the idea like he does. It's a lot easier to spank someone that makes you angry all the time, then someone who hardly ever does. Past experiences can also make this easier or harder for your man.
So, I wait patiently. I continue to read to him. I know he will come around. He has told me he is seriously considering this, but even then I don't know that I will be publishing a lot of posts about spankings as of yet. It all takes time and indroducing a whole new lifestyle can be daunting.
I appreciate the comments people have left and encourage others to do so. Like I said before, I read every one. I might respond and I might not, but it's encouraging to know that people do care and have thoughts they like to share. I encourage all to leave comments, and as I read others posts, I will try to be more consistant in leaving them, too.
Until next time...
Jadedjewel
Ok, I don't normally write two posts in one day, but I need some advice.
My house is a mess. It's almost overwhelming. We live in a small one bedroom duplex and everything has to be put in it's place for our home to remain liveable. We also have two dogs and a cat. We have accumulated four large appliances since moving in which severly cut into floor and storage space. I know I can get it cleaned up if I worked on it a little each day, but I just can't seem to get motivated. J wants it cleaned up, but he doesn't feel right telling me to do it. I need him to tell me to do it, because I don't want to do it. I need him to take control of the situation. We need a plan of action. Anybody have a suggestion that a hesitant HOH would be comfortable with?
I read it to him, didn't want to, but I did. All I have to say is I'm a lucky girl to have a forgiving HOH. I know I'll be luckier when he's not so forgiving, however, I'm not exactly looking forward to my next discipline spanking. I much prefer good-girl spankings.
***I will call my HOH "J" from now on. He has agreed to let me do this here. The reason for me asking this of him is I find myself detaching emotionally from the blog because I can't put his name in here. This is, and should be I think, a very intimate and personal thing for me. I don't want to detach myself from my blog in any way. I want to truly speak from the heart. I hope to touch the hearts of my readers. I wish to portray LDD in a positive light.
Due to the nature of the content that this post has led me on I must include this warning:
DO NOT introduce LDD into an already abusive relationsip. This could possibly have detremental effects to you. You could possibly end up in a Master/Slave relationship from which it could take years to escape. My best advice would be to LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. They will connect you to the closest office that can protect you and help you get out. They will relocate you to any location of your choice, including state to state, and provide you with the resources to get resettled. ***DO IT AFRAID, JUST DO IT***
A proper canidate for your HOH will already be compassionate, giving, kind, and love you unconditionally. Please pardon the "canidate" word, dear HOHs. Suggestions?
It's such a beautiful thing that LDD brings to the hearts of those that make this a part of their life. Many of us, including me, call LDD a "lifestyle" and "TTWD" (this thing we do). I think it's such a natural part of life that I almost don't understand why it isn't the norm. It's the internal make-up God has given us, and it's something, it seems, that every woman out there that's "missing something" is looking for. Could you imagine the marriages that could be saved? The broken hearts that could be healed? The children that would grow up so happy and healthy with the dad and mom God gave them? Could you imagine the change in America if we all adopted this "lifestyle"?
There is nothing wrong with being a strong woman. Emotionally we are strong. God made us that way. But that also makes us build walls, become stubborn and illogical. Thank the Lord that He gave us to sensible, logical, stronger counterparts to keep our emotions in check. Checks and balances. It's the way it's supposed to be. So natural.
I want to make a call to all women everywhere to give back the reins to whom they belong. Learn how to make this a part of your life. Learn how to "build" your man to be your perfect HOH. Start submitting now. This DOESN'T mean become a doormat. It means to allow him to say yea or nay without you pitching a fit. If he asks you to do something, smile and do it. Don't push his buttons. Behave yourself at all times. Remember you don't really want a Discipline spanking and you don't want to force him to having to give you one. Trust me, it is possible to screw up all by yourself without trying to.
Introduce it slowly!!!!!!!! BE PATIENT!!!!!! If he truly loves you this will be very hard for him and it may take him some time, even months, to get comfortable with the idea of spanking you. Respect that. Do not brat, or be naughty on purpose to push him to spank you. J and I have been together for 3 months shy of two years. He has spanked me in the bedroom pretty much from the beginning. But "Discipline" spanking is a whole other ball game. You are asking him to hurt you. You are asking him to make you cry. You are asking A HELL OF A LOT. I recommend purchasing Loving Domestic Discipline, reading it cover to cover and then giving it to your future HOH and allowing him all the time in the world he needs to read and absorb it.
It may seem that your HOH is not "getting it" (understanding what LDD is about and your desperate need for it). But in actuality, ladies, this is not true. Men's brains are not empty, anymore than yours is. Men are very analytical and once they choose to do something, they usually do it. They must be allowed the time to make that choice. When you introduce the LDD into your life the first thing they think about is all the things they have been taught about girls and all the things that could go wrong. Then once they get past that, and if you're patient he will, then they start thinking can I really do this? I love her, can I really do that to her? Can I really make her cry? Can I spank her properly? Can I push myself to do that? This seems to me the process that takes the most time.
If you continue to be as submissive as possible, then you will see his confidence grow. He will begin using the "command tone". Do not baulk at this or you'll blow it. He may even begin giving little "threats". This is a sign of progress. He is starting to open up to the fact that he is the man and he wears the pants. He is also opening to the idea of spanking you. You may have recieved a spanking or two by this time, probably in the bedroom. This is his way of testing the waters. This might be a good time to introduce him to blogs about LDD on the internet, if he is interested, or start your own. You're starting to get excited and might be trying to rush things a bit. DON'T. Again, be patient. It's decision time and you don't want to influence that decision negatively. I know, I almost blew it myself last week. This is the point where J is now.
What happens next? After this point I am relatively unhelpful. We are not there yet. There are many books and blogs out there that address the advanced stages of LDD. I hope to lead you through our progress to that stage. If anyone feels they have an answer to that queston for me...please comment. I love the comments, even if they are just short ones. I read every one.
Until next time...
Jadedjewel
Today, I want to take you on the journey my HOH and I took to get to where we are today. It's a journey I love to travel over and over in my mind. It's a sweet, loving journey and I hope that it gives hope to those of you out there that are still looking for your HOH.
He's 42 and I'm 37. We met Feb. 2008, went on our first date the next month and have been together ever since. It was a rocky start for the two of us. He was just getting out of a bad relationship he had been in 12 years. I was single and looking, but cautiously. Meaning, I put him through a lot before I let him have me. Also, I told him I wouldn't tell him that I loved him. At the very least, I wasn't going to be the first to say it.
When we finally hooked up it was like magic. We loved doing the same things, the same music, the same ideals, and he had a strong family background. His dad ruled the roost and there was never any question about that. He was a little down about himself, but that was rather easy to overcome, due to his upbringing and the fact I naturally submitted to him. He made it easy. He is not a huge man, but he is totally my XXL. He is almost 6' and has huge arms. I have a serious arm fetish and I love his. He also has a wolf howling at the moon tattooed on one of his biceps. I collect wolves so it was only natural to add his arm to my collection. :) He was very caring, gentle, kind, soft spoken, but such a deep voice it still sends shivers down my spine. I especially like listening to his voice on the phone because you get the full effect. When we first started going out, my friends would call to talk to him just to hear his voice. It's so sexy. Physically, he is a very strong man. He wraps his arms around me at night and I feel so safe and content. I have never in my life been able to sleep so peacefully as when I'm wrapped up in him. I love to hear that voice speaking to me and those arms wrapped around me. Oh yes, it was easy to submit. I didn't want to do anything to jepardize this wonderful little bubble he had put me in. He had taken so many worries away. He tells me, even now, that everything will be alright. It's so comforting to hear those words. It means I'm not alone and I don't have to struggle alone.
I am pretty sure we fell in love almost instantly. Once, I think he was working up the courage to say it or something. It was the way he was looking at me. We hadn't been together very long when I felt that he was about to say it. I told him don't say it. It's too soon. I didn't want to hear it. Remember, I wasn't going to say it first either. Well, he wasn't going to say it, but he got the point. Finally, one night he looked at me and said "I don't care if you want to hear it or not. I think I've fallen in love with you." I cried and told him that I loved him, too. I know. Sappy! Got to love romance.
We moved in together at the beginning of June. He had to teach me the meaning of "we", "us" and "ours". That was a difficult concept for me and it took him quite a while. In all my other relationships, there was no "us" and definitely no "ours". It was either "yours" or "mine" depending on who's pocket the money came out of. Usually it came out of my pocket, (if I had money, it was always spent first) but somehow ended up being "his" anyway. By my HOH teaching me the meaning of these words, it made it easier for me to let him take care of things. I do pay the bills, but that's cause I'm home and I have time to do that, but he gives me the money for them and usually takes care of any other little expenses we have such as food, gas and other things. I don't tell him what to do with his money. I never have done that to any of the men I was with. But, on the other hand, he doesn't tell me what to do with mine, either. He doesn't care how I spend it as long as the bills get paid. That is completely new to me. I've never had that. I always had to give all my money to the men I was with, but he doesn't want my money. He insists on paying himself and very rarely takes money from me or lets me pay. If we are going out my treat, I give him the money before we get to our destination, so he can still pay. It really works! It allows him to still be in control of the situation with only the two of us knowing it's on me. It also helps keep me from overspending, because he has the money. I love the consideration he has for me and I try to return that in any way I can. I also don't pick fights with him very often. It's not my style. I hate contention and so does he, so we rarely ever argue.
Our lovemaking was explosive. We just clicked. Fortunately, we both decided at our age there was no point in being coy, so we are very connected and explorative. We constantly communicate to each other our likes and dislikes. We enjoy watching porn together. I lean a little toward the light BDSM side of porn, so we have played around with light bondage, erotic spanking and movies like The Submission of "O". In a way, I thought what I was searching for was a light type of BDSM relationship, but I don't see me having a successful relationship that way and I can't see him being a "Master" so to speak. He would never expect me to bow to him and call him "Sir". That's not his style. Of course, this doesn't mean that I cannot see him or respect him as a Dominant or HOH. I think "Masters" play a different role. More controlling, demanding, deeper and darker, and neither one of us wants to do that to the other. No, we don't want darker, we want fresh, beautiful ways to express our love to each other and keep our love life fresh and new. I wanted to know what I needed to do in order to keep the relationship going in a positive direction. I didn't want us to become discontented, stagnant, or unhappy. Unbeknowst to me, I was about to find the answer.
One day a few months ago, I was looking for stories to read, but everything I found was too hard-core. I don't like the stories of slavery and the like. I was looking for lighter stuff and suddenly ran across a story about spanking. It was a Husband/Wife scenerio. I was hooked! The more I read, the more excited I became. All the stuff I was reading made sense and completely related to how I was feeling. How I have felt for a long time. I wasn't expecting that. I think the first blogs I came across were The Cookie Jar, Loving Domestic Discipline and C's Loving Domestic Discipline Blog. I found the Spanking Bloggers Network this way. There were other's, too. As I continued to read, I realized that I had found what it was that I was searching for. The one thing "missing" in our relationship. A way for him to discipline me when I did things that he was not pleased with. Since we had already experimented with erotic spanking this wasn't a far stretch. So I thought, anyway. As time goes on, I am discovering TTWD is a much more difficult, powerful, stimulating and richly rewarding lifestyle than I could have ever imagined.
For the next month, I continued to search, read and study anything and everything I could find about this "LDD lifestyle". It was over a month before I even mentioned anything to my HOH about it. I wanted to make sure that this was what I wanted before I asked him to do this. I like the fact that this is a twist off of the traditional Christian Domestic Discipline without the "churchy" side of it. Yes, we both believe in the Lord, but we are not church-goers or Bible readers, so that would not conform to our life in general. LDD does focus on love, respect, honesty, obedience, submission and strengthening a relationship through discipline. These are all Christian concepts and effective in any relationship. I read about the fears men have regarding this lifestyle. I discovered that many women introduce this into the relationship. It's hardly ever the man's idea. I read about different types of spankings, warm-ups, women's fears, what goes through a woman's mind when she is being spanked. I read about spanking to and through the tears. I knew he would have a very difficult time with that, because he does not like to see me cry and certainly doesn't want to be the cause of it. Anything and everything I could get my hands on I saved in my favorites, studied and reread again and again. I quit reading stories, I wanted facts. I wanted to arm my new HOH with all the knowledge he would need to be the best HOH he could be. He read everything I showed him until he almost went crazy, then I started reading stuff to him until he went crazy all over again.
I have recieved a few small disciplinary spankings from him and one preliminary spanking, but at the moment he is trying to find a way to NOT have to give me a spanking. He is fair and just. No matter what, he will not spank me if he doesn't feel I deserve it. Also, he is not quite ready to give me a spanking "through the tears". I think it scares him a little. We have had "practice" or "just for fun" spankings and a few discipline spankings. It concerns him because he leaves bruises, which I discussed in another post. Elle's post she discussed in the comment section is here. The more we study and practice, the more comfortable he becomes with spanking and the less marks he leaves. We recently have been studying up on the effects of lotion and warm-ups. There is a spanker on youtube that can give some of the hardest spankings I have seen and hardly mar the skin. It's almost always just a bright cherry red when he is done. I showed that to my HOH this weekend. It showed a video of exactly how to perform a discipline spanking. I think it was extremely informative, practical, and very helpful to him. Thank you, NIKO!
I read him my blog every time I post in it. Sometimes it's really hard to read to him what I have put in it because it bares my soul to him and often reveals faults or spankable offenses I try really hard to hide. I put a lot of stuff in here that I don't tell anyone. I guess even though I know there are people out there reading this, it's seems less risky emotionally to write stuff in here. I am tempted to skip sentences or paragraphs when I'm reading to him sometimes. I haven't done that. I read it to him word for word, but on occasion it gets really hard to keep reading because I begin feeling so vulnerable. When I read him Our Story...Continued his comment was, "I bet every HOH out there reading this is thinking, he needs to whip that girl's ass." I asked him what he was thinking and he stated pretty much that. All those behaviors are spankable offenses. He also stated that once he fully accepts this lifestyle, he is "guessing", in other words, "confident" that there won't be much repetition of bad behaviors from me. It is very hard to read stuff to him because I run the risk of getting in trouble, but I can't hide it from him. I enjoy reading it to him and he doesn't seem to mind if I do.
I pushed my HOH a little too hard last week for a spanking and almost blew the whole thing. We talked about it Sunday after we watched the videos. I have tried so hard to let him take his time, but I guess I thought he was more comfortable with it than he actually was. That's what I get for thinking. He is seriously considering it, but I need to let him do it in his own time. He needs to get past his dislike of making me cry, even though I think he sees the benefits. He loves me so much that it is VERY hard for him to talk himself into hurting me and making me cry. Right now that seems to be how he looks at it. Completely understandable, considering the fact that this is definitely a requirement for a successful LDD relationship. I know there are benefits to this, too, but I don't think that really makes it any easier for the spanker or the spankee. However, he has assumed the position of HOH with ease despite the shortage of physical discipline. He definitely has put his foot down in certain situations and warned me of the consequences of bad behavior. Because I want to please him so much and not force him into a position where he has to spank me, I try very hard to head his warnings. So far, so good. Of course, I continue to search, study, write in my blog, and show him things that I find as he is ready.
The issue with me not taking my medication was immediately addressed. I get a prescription every three months for 100 pills. I had a prescription filled over a month ago. Probably closer to two months. We counted them. There was still 90 left. I got severely scolded for not taking my medications and he went a got a pill box for me. He filled it for me Sunday morning and told me it better be empty by Saturday. It is a rule now, our only rule, so far. and it comes with a specific discipline. If I ever get stupid enough to forget to take my medication again, then I will let you know how that turns out. Some of you are probably wondering why he didn't give me a spanking for only taking 10 pills in the last couple months. That is certainly a spankable offense. Yes, it is, but he is not ready to go there yet. I did ask him a couple of weeks ago to help me remember to take my meds and he said, basically, because of his inconsistancy in helping with that, he is partly to blame and so I didn't get one. I don't know if this is how an experienced HOH would handle this situation, but I don't question him and I don't push for him to spank me.
*******Phone call received just now******* The meds were delivered to my house on Sept. 15. OMG, that's two and a half months ago. My HOH has told me he doesn't even want to know, because that will just upset him more. Do I skip this paragraph? It's a short one.
Until next time....
Jadedjewel
In my previous post of Our Story I finished off the post with a couple of questions I am going to attempt to answer. The questions were: "Why is LDD needed or even wanted in our relationship?" and "Why, after so much abuse, would I even be interested in being spanked at all?"
If I was to be honest with you and myself, I would have to say I am still working on understanding this. I have a feeling of something missing, of something lost. I have a desire to be forgiven, to be cleansed. A desire to be loved, truly, completely, and unconditionally. A desire to be held accountable within a realm of deep-seated love that honestly only wants what's best for me. A desire to be nurtured and cared for, to be safe and complete. A desire that there is one person in the world that can wrap his arms around you and make everything ok. A desire to know that someone really cares for me and cares about what I do and don't do. Someone that cares enough to say NO, when I want to do something that's harmful to me or those around me. Someone that says YES, when I don't want to do something that would benefit me or those around me. Someone that says there is a better way to live. You can live without contention and hatred. Home doesn't have to be a place you fear, but your haven from the world. I want that. I need that. But I have that, right?
Yes, for the most part, I finally do. I have all of that. Except, perhaps, accountabilitity. I have a serious attitude problem and it's very evident in my words and actions. I am stubborn to a fault. I am a survivor. I had to be, and I'll be damned if at this point in my life, anyone is going to tell me anything! See where that's going? I also have problems with consistancy in activities, such as daily things and finishing what I start. Maybe it's because emotionally I'm only half a person, the other half remains an uncompleted puzzle waiting to be uncovered and beautified, like the projects I start and only half way finish. I want to be told in no uncertain terms, that temper tantrums and the like are not to be tolerated. A severe scolding from him definitely puts me in my place, but often times only for a while until the next situation comes up and I decide to throw another one. Usually the next one is always worse than the last and I have noticed lately that they have been getting worse. Something has to be done or we are going to end up miserable and I don't want that. I know I should have better self-control, but I sometimes I can't do it on my own. I need help. When I get angry and defensive, all those feelings I keep bottled up come roaring out and proceeds to send me, and whoever is there, on a huge emotional roller coaster ride. It almost always ends up with hurt feelings and it's just a bad thing all around. I keep imagining how effective it is when he scolds me and try to add a proper spanking on top of that in my mind. I think that would cease any repetition of that behavior for at least a year.
There are other things, too. I have an "I don't care" attitude about myself and things that could harm me. I call this "my better off dead syndrome". Often, I will put myself in a dangerous situation simply because I don't care if I live through it or not. For example, I will get "pissed off" about something, somewhere and walk out. It doesn't matter who I am with, or if I am 5 blocks, 5 miles or 50 miles from home. And I'll walk, too. All the way home. I don't care what happens, don't care if I get kidnapped, hurt, cold or anything. I numb myself to it. I simply refuse to care. I don't care who worries. I justify to myself "They should know me by now, I'll be just fine, I'm a survivor, besides who needs them anyway, I'm just fine by myself!" I will also push people away, or I try to cut myself off from the rest of the world, like my life would be a whole lot easier if nobody gave a shit about me, if everyone forgot that I existed. I'll quit answering the phone, only come out of the house to work, and quit talking to people in general. Just leave me alone. I don't want you caring about me! See, if no one cares about me, then I don't have to care about myself. It's a copout, but one I cling to like a lifeline. Another example is, on occasion, I will eat everything in sight. I don't care if I gain weight, don't care if I make myself have a heart attack, don't care if my stomach blows up and sometimes I even hope it would, because I don't care. I will eat what I want and as much as I want and I don't care if I have any reprocusions on myself at all. Other times, I will quit eating, because I don't care if I waste away to nothing. I hope that I get blown away with the wind. Sometimes the feelings are so strong, I think stupid stuff and want to do that one really, really stupid thing. Suicide contemplations are something I struggle with quite often. It's almost a daily struggle during this time of year. Of course, most of the time, it's all just in my head, but sometimes that stuff gets to the surface and becomes a dangerous thing.
I really don't like feeling these ways and YES, for those of you wondering, I do realize that these are serious problems and I have sought outside help for these issues. I have counseling, a support group and stubborn friends. Also, through his steadfast, patient and unconditional love, my HOH has also helped me to cope with some of these issues. I have an anti-depressent that I try to take everyday, although, when I get to feeling better, I quit taking it. Of course, I almost immediately get worse again, so it will be a rule when we put them together. I did warn my HOH about my suicide thought tendencies once, because we were discussing getting guns in the house for hunting. Due to overwhelming progress in this area, we now have a pellet gun, a .22 rifile that's mine, a .12 guage shotgun and a .54 muzzleloader in the house. We have a gun cabinet with a lock that we keep them in, although, most of the time it's not locked. No handguns, though. If we ever have those in the house, I have been told that these will be under lock and key at all times, and he will have the key with him. I am ok with this, because it keeps me safe. However, at this point, it is unlikely that we will have handguns in the house anytime soon.
Overall, since being with my HOH, I have become a much happier person. Love makes all the difference in the world, but I am still "me" with "me" behaviors. Those behaviors are the ones that cause disruption and unhappiness in our otherwise peaceful world. Because of this, after much research and contemplation, I showed my man what I had learned about LDD and asked that he hold me accountable for such behaviors through spankings. My HOH loves me and because of this he allows me to "get away" with a lot of these behaviors. Basically, he puts up with them because he sees them as part of who I am. Yes, he scolds me when it gets serious, but he tempers it all with a great deal of love and understanding. A lot of his fears in spanking me comes from my past abuse and he wants me to know that he loves me and would never hurt me like that. I do know this and trust him. I guess this is why I feel so comfortable asking him to do this for me and for us. I don't want our beautiful relationship to grow stagnant, or, even worse, unhappy because of me. I want us to grow in our happiness and love. I understand how LDD can work in a relationship to keep respect, honesty and peace. I want that so much for us.
I hope that this helps answer the questions I left us with last time. Perhaps your just as confused as you were before. As my HOH and I grow in our LDD relationship, I hope answers to these questions and more will become clearer to you and me.
Until next time,
Jadedjewel
We have had many things to dread this year, but this is a time to stop and be thankful for all the things we do have. Family, friends, new opportunities, love, respect, joy and SPANKINGS!
Let's all remember to thank our HOH's for their unwavering support this year! Have a wonderful Holiday everyone!
Be Good and if you can't be good at least be good at it!
Well, good morning friends and fellow bloggers. It has been a rather trying weekend for both of us. It was the last weekend of deer firearm season and we got skunked. I guess that happens, but fortunately, deer season isn't over for us. We still have muzzleloader season and that lasts all of December.
Not much to say today, so I'll leave you with one of my favorite quotes:
AN EAGLE CANNOT FLY IN A SKY WITH BOUNDRIES
Until next time,
Jadedjewel
I just wanted to say that I really appreciate all your comments and encouragements. It's a scary thing I think sometimes, entering into the LDD lifestyle. Scary for us, anyway. It's nice to know that there are others out there who understand TTWD.
His fears sometimes override our ability to move forward right now, but as Elle said it's a learning curve. I try not to push, but sometimes I wonder if he is really interested at all. I say this sitting on a sore bum, because I did talk him into a "just for fun" spanking last night that turned into a exotic spanking, which turned into the most fantastic blowjob I think I have ever given him. I was so lost in it. Hmmm. It was yummy. And, of course followed up by fantastic lovemaking. Progress? Not sure. He wanted to stop long before I was ready, but it worried him how red my butt was getting, and he could see marks. But, the warm-up was better and I did talk him to our pink leather paddle, but I could still feel his hesitation. Then guess what my dumbass did? I decided to put lotion on my bottom to keep it from chafting.... Yeah, OMG that stung like flippin' crazy. WOW. Not sure I will be doing that again anytime soon. We laughed about that for quite a while. Hmmm, maybe that's why our men put lotion on our bottoms afterwards in the first place? Anyway, this morning I can feel it, but the marks are almost gone and I love him so much for pushing his own limits and mine. My fears are more of how much it's going to hurt when he does get the hang of it. Other than that I guess I'm not afraid of anything except losing him.
I want so much to be all I can be for him. He is so worthy, even though he doesn't see it. He was with a woman for 12 years that did nothing but control him and tear him down. Just the fact he stuck it out for as long as he did says a lot about his determination, committment and inner strength. Also, when he did finally decide to leave her, he didn't go back. That says a lot to me, too.
You should see the man he is today. OMG, what a difference a good woman can make. Not just in him, but in any good man. They really have to start out being good, ladies, or you're wasting your time. I am not bragging, but I respect him, he has his freedom as I have mine. Not the freedom to hurt one another or stay out till God knows when with God know who, but the freedom to be ourselves, to do the things we enjoy. Yes, I love hunting and fishing, especially with him, but that doesn't mean that every time he goes he has to take me along. He needs that time for himself. I get that from him, too. I get to visit my friends pretty much whenever I want, I get to choose what I do for a living and if I want to work or not if I'm called in. Where I want the garden and what I want in it, what flowers I like, what indoor plants I want...the list goes on forever. I have all those choices now, why shouldn't he? Yes, we each have different choices that we make, but we each have the freedom to make them. Otherwise it would be a totally unfair and unjust relationship and if there is one thing I can't stand it's injustice! I also submit to him willingly. If he makes a decision, I may not agree, but it's not my place to throw a fit. By allowing him to make those decisions and supporting what he decides it builds him.
We consult each other and communicate our desires without fear of condemnation or retribution. That's why I feel so free to tell him about this and, recently to ask him for a spanking when I need or want one. I really want to get the new LDD book for him to read because he likes to read books. He doesn't like to sit and read blogs on the computer one bit, but that will have to wait until after Christmas. Ahhh...Patient is a virtue. Until then, he lets me read to him. I read him stuff I find and my own blog, too. I think it helps him to understand what goes on inside my head.
Men have egos and they are very fragile, ladies. BE CAREFUL or you will be responsible for the man you are unhappy with. If you "allow" them to make a decision, don't like the one they make, "take back the reins" and make the decision yourself the way you want it, you are not submitting and you are tearing your man down.
If you get a chance read Proverbs 31. Those of you ladies out there that are Christians should be familiar with this chapter. It would be good to memorize it. It tells you exactly the woman you should be for your God and your man. It's like God's list of "rules" for us. I have been with some messed up men and usually any chance of being successful at that kind of woman was severly stifled, usually through some form of mental, emotional or physical abuse. When they tell you your useless or worthless, and attack you with accusations of things you didn't do or crush you because anything you did do definitely wasn't good enough, it really hurts, and you just quit wanting to be that woman. Why, what's the point? Especially when you know it won't matter tonight, anyhow.
Then along came my HOH. Everything I did he supported, everything I did was perfect, everything I tried was just fine with him, even if I didn't succeed. I wasn't used to that. He is so trustworthy, strong, honest, caring, and unselfish. He holds himself accountable for mistakes he makes, but he holds me accountable, too. He does scold me on occasion, at times very severly. Usually, when I've done something stupid that put me in danger and made him worry about me. That's one of his breaking points I think. He does not like it when I make him worry and I try not to do that very often. Another breaking point of his, I'm pretty sure, is when my mouth gets away from me in public, like the time I got in what he calls "a pissing contest" with a nurse at the hospital when he got sick a couple months ago. Those are the times when I think to myself "I wish he would just woop my ass. Then I know I won't do it again." I feel horrible when I've dissappointed him and upset him like that. But when he's done, that's it. It's done. He doesn't hold anything over my head. I imagine he feels comfortable asserting himself because he knows I will submit and partly because that's the true man inside him in the first place. It just needed some room to come out. What do you do with a man like that? LOL, introduce him to LDD!!
I love him with all my heart and want so much to be everything he needs. He says I am, but I have so many short-comings, so much baggage that keep me from where I want to be. I think perhaps maybe also, if I could somehow atone for at least some of my sins, that maybe I could sleep peacefully at night instead of staying awake crying over things that hurt so bad. Maybe I wouldn't have to take anti-depressants anymore. I could be really truly free inside. That's worth any sacrifice, isn't it? I think I don't let go of those things because that would be saying it's all ok now, and it isn't, it never will be. I never want to let them go or let go of the pain inside me, because I don't deserve that. I guess it's a self-punishment, but yet it's so unfullfilling. I have lived like this for years. Could LDD be the answer? Am I being selfish? I don't know. I guess we'll have to see.
Thank you all again and welcome to my blog!
Until next time,
Jadedjewel
I met my HOH in February 2008. I was working as a bartender in a local bar and he was a customer. Not the kind of customer that sits at the bar and makes as much noise as possible, but the quiet kind. He sat at a table, by himself, against the wall and facing the bar, so he could watch everything going on. Possibly watching me? He looked familiar, but I couldn't place him. He would have a couple of beers and then leave. He did this for a week or so before I finally approached him in friendly conversation - "Who are you and where do I know you from?" I demanded. He looked up at me kind of surprised, yet amused and said he had been wondering the same thing. Turns out he was a customer of mine when I worked at a convenience store in a nearby town. I wasn't interested in anybody then, the pain of my previous relationship still fresh in my heart. It would be over a year and half before I ran into him again at the bar. He later moved up to the bar to be closer to me while I worked. He never stayed long, but always left me with a smile and a promise he would try to come by the next day.
We went out on our first date a few weeks later, after we got through some semi-political BS at work, and I got my boss' approval to date him. I had to cancel our original first date. We had a wonderful time. He was the gentle giant, the perfect gentleman.
Ok not exactly a giant, but at almost 6' and 240 lbs, he's no small boy! Not complaining!
When we arrived back at my apartment, the police had the apartment building surrounded with yellow tape and we couldn't get to my door. There had been a killing in our apartment building!! We live in a little po-dunk down in great plains Nebraska, (population less than 5000), where that kind of stuff in unheard of, so needless to say, it was quite the night.
Anyway, my HOH was not pushy at all when I hesitated to give him a "first date kiss", and told him that as of yet, no men were allowed in my apartment, then sent him home. It was almost like he was handling a fragile teacup so gentle he was with me and in respecting my wishes. That was quite a memorable first date.
Anyway, we discovered that we had almost everything in common, except perhaps, our upbringing. Fishing, Camping, Hunting (Never done, always wanted), Music, Pool, Bowling, Gardening, Dogs (Always wanted a big dog, but afraid of dogs, so just had a cat). So many things...to many to list. He loved doing all the things I loved doing and desired to do, but never got the chance. Whenever I allowed a man into my life, usually within two months of leaving the last one, he was unsupportive or abusive. I was stuck in the house all the time. I am an outdoor girl and that was like feeling trapped continuously in some dark and angry hole. No curtains were allowed to be opened, no sunlight, no air, just dank and dark. I hated it and I never wanted to live like that again.
Being single, I was able to have my curtains and windows open, I had a beautiful vine growing in the corner with a couple of other plants I had gathered along the way and I wasn't living in constant fear. "NO MEN ALLOWED IN MY APARTMENT, EVER!!" was a written rule on my refrigerator, posted via sticky note by yours truly, to prevent myself from stupidly involving myself with strange men. There were a couple of occasions that I made an exception, because a friend brought her husband with her. Perfectly acceptable. However, due to previous abuse, I was susceptable to any smooth talker that came along. All I wanted was to be loved, but I was going to be smarter this time.
My HOH and I fell in love a few months later and it felt so complete. He was kind, caring, attentive, strong, and handsome. How could I not love a man like that? He was everything I had always wanted, but told myself I wasn't good enough to have. He has told me many times that he doesn't deserve me and refuses to believe me when I say it's the other way around. It upsets him a little when I say that, because he doesn't like me thinking so little of myself, so I usually keep that precious bit knowledge to myself. I don't deserve him and I never will!! But, he loves me unconditionally. That is a precious, precious thing that I will treasure for as long as the Good Lord allows it.
We have been together ever since and I still have every window in the house open as long as weather permits and I never put the curtains down unless we want some privacy. I even leave them open at night! We have two dogs, one really big black Lab/German wirehair and one mid-sized really cute yellow Boxer/Rot/Lab mix. This year will be my second year deer hunting and we go fishing and camping every chance we get. I have a garden outside and a forest inside. I have homemade bread in my new deep freeze and for the first time ever I have an electric dishwasher! I have flowers out in the front yard that I tend to, and when we get bored with all that, we go to our favorite hang-out, have dinner and shoot some pool! He has been unbelievably supported in anything I wish to do and if it doesn't work out he is always there encouraging me to try again.
Life is wonderful! We have respect, love, caring, honesty, intimacy, peace and so much more in our relationship.
So, perhaps you are asking why is LDD needed or even wanted in our relationship? Or perhaps you are asking yourself why, after so much abuse, would I even be interested in being spanked at all? Well, I will try my best to answer that question in my next post.
Thank you so much and I do hope you enjoy reading these posts as much as I enjoy writing them. It is such a relief to get my experiences, emotions and story out in writing. I recommend to anyone to open a blog in an area of interest to you and write your own experiences down. You might find yourself a little less stressed and possibly a little cleansed.
Sorry I haven't written anymore since I opened this blog. It's been kind of busy with deer hunting this weekend and I worked quite a bit last week. But I wanted to share this little story from this weekend. Enjoy!
Although I have not told our whole story yet, my HOH did give me a spanking Friday night. He still is not comfortable with the concept of spanking me to tears, but he seems to have no trouble delivering a few hard swats on my bare bottom to remind me to behave.
I am a caregiver. In my line of work I take care of the elderly in their homes, so that they do not have to go into a nursing home. I just got my first private client about a month ago. It happens to be my HOH's boss' mom and dad! It was a fluke, but it has really seemed to work out well except for one little thing..... MY MOUTH!! Yes, I have a problem when confronted with a differing opinion than my own. I must be right... The only game I play is I WIN!!. Yes, we are going to have to work on that. I really hate it actually, it gets me in so much trouble.
Anyway, She and I happened to have differing opinions on EVERYTHING! Well, except for the way I take care of her husband. Absolutely, no complaints there. I am very good at what I do, but I seem to butt heads with other strong willed people such as myself. Otherwise, we have "debated", as she calls it, I call it arguing, but that's because she has usually gotten my ire up by then, about football, politics, and just about anything else we can think of. She says she likes me because I speak my mind, but I end up seeing red!?
I don't know, anyway, we had another tiff Friday morning because I asked her if coming in an hour earlier that evening was Ok, because another caregiver of a different client wanted to leave a little early. She was already agitated over about 50 other things and she had company coming that afternoon, so of course she said no. That was fine, but she wasn't very nice about saying it and I pretty much told her so. Anyway, I finished working and we were talking about the holidays and she, being a caregiver herself, made the comment that she wouldn't have to work Thanksgiving or Christmas with her clients because they were really flexible with their schedule for her. (She is expecting me, too.) I popped off "Isn't nice when your clients are flexible with your schedule?" She looked up at me rather sharply. See what I mean? Always getting me in trouble!
It's frustrating as well, because everytime I walk through the door I get to play twenty questions. She asks the questions and expects me to answer. First of all, most of the questions she asks is inappropriate for me to answer, because it is regarding other clients that she used to be friends with that she doesn't see anymore. I try to tell her to go visit them and see how they are doing. She gets upset because I won't tell her things. I CAN'T. It's called HIPA! Not only that, but it distracts me from taking care of her husband (my main priority). It's hard to get everything together and make sure I do everything right, when I have to answer a hundred questions.
Ok, back to the spanking. I was talking to my HOH about it and I had to go back over there that evening. I was really worried that my mouth would run away with me again. We agreed that a preemptive spanking would be in order. He told me to take my pants and panties off and made me bend over a chair. That was scary. It wasn't very severe, but it left it's mark and I was very careful with my mouth that night.
My HOH and I originally had agreed that I wouldn't get preemptive spankings because he said he couldn't bring himself to punish me for something I haven't done yet, but I'm thinking he doesn't have a problem with it now and has discussed giving others on specific occasions regarding my mouth. True, it was only one spanking, but I still responded appropriately.
At least I thought so, until this morning. I had to bring it up, I guess I felt I didn't make my point previously. I will have to talk to my HOH about it this evening.
Anyway, that's all for now. I will blog some more later. Thank you for listening and keep it real!
